It was very disappointing to learn that, once again, I had been overlooked in the latest honours list. I was hoping for a knighthood at the very least, but King Brian has not acknowledged my efforts in doing nothing special. And there was me thinking that doing nothing special was all you had to do to get a gong. But at least Brian has rewarded his family. In my best Jeremy Beadle voice, take a look at this:
- Kate Middleton becomes the Royal Companion of The Order of the Companions of Honour.
- Camilla Parker-Bowles is to be Grand Master and First or Principal Dame Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, a gig no longer carried out by Prince Philip on account of his death.
- Prince William is the new Great Master of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath.
- The Duchess of Gloucester, whoever that is, has been made a Royal Lady Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter.
Apparently, Brian handed out these rewards in order to recognise the ‘public service’ of his own family, which is to say DOING THEIR JOBS. There, in a nutshell, is the explanation as to why I’ve not been handed a gong: I’m not related to the king. If you think this all sounds perfectly mad, then it is. But not as mad as this.
According to the BBC, ‘Princess Diana’s “first” work contract, in which she might have lied about her age to get a job (as a nanny), is up for auction.’ It is expected to reach £8000 at auction, as Andrew Stowe, from Auctioneum Ltd, said: “This is an incredibly important piece of history. Getting your first job is a big moment in anyone’s life, let alone when that person becomes one of the most famous figures of the 20th Century.”. Yes, you did read that right: this in an incredibly important piece of history. Christ on a bicycle.
Important as in the Battle of Hastings, the sealing of the Magna Carta, the Plague, VE day and the invention of the internet. Yes, that important. Do me a favour. Diana Spencer’s job application is just that. The only vaguely interesting thing is that Diana lied about her age. It’s mad, every bit as mad as just about everything to do with the royals, who also can award themselves honours.
As individuals, I wish them well. Of course I do. I wish Brian a full recovery from cancer, as I do Kate Middleton. It’s absolutely nothing personal. But the more I hear about this weird institution, the more I wish that the Great British Public was a little less obsessed with it.
Doubtless, Diana’s first work contract will end up with a ‘collector’, the name given, I imagine, to someone very rich who collects things. Perhaps she or he will choose to display it in a museum where people can go along and say, “Ooh look, there’s Lady Di’s first work contract!” and maybe purchase an authentic numbered copy to display on the mantelpiece or maybe a limited edition tea towel.
To many of you, I know, the royal family, even this dysfunctional crowd of divorcees and the odd nonce, offers stability and certainty in an unstable and uncertain world and perhaps some relief from the grim reality of our own lives, in the same way that some people, maybe the same people, do God. I’m afraid that, increasingly, this doesn’t cut it with me.
Can’t we at least slim the royals down a bit? If there were less of them and the younger ones actually did proper jobs, like many other royal families in other countries do, I could maybe tolerate them a little more. And if the older ones, like Brian and Camilla, could be driven round the country to shake hands with and wave at people, doubtless the tourist lucre would still flood into the UK.
If we are now reduced to the royals giving themselves awards and flogging off work contracts, isn’t the whole thing degenerating into farce? Or maybe it was all a farce in the first place? Either way, my own gong seems further away than ever.
