After a recent false start, I have now been attacked by a particularly virulent bout of Man Flu. And I say to my lady friends: you don’t know what pain is unless you are a man. Childbirth? That’s nothing compared to what I am going through.
It started, as Errol Brown didn’t say, with a cough, which woke me up at approximately five minute intervals during last night. Now, someone has switched on a tap in my nose and I feel very sorry for myself.
I have not had a proper cold…I mean, serious flu like illness…in ages so I suppose this was hardly overdue. After tut tutting my way through a few weeks as my family have spluttered their way through television programmes I could barely hear above the “AAAAAAACHEWs” I am now suffering and obviously I am in far worse condition than they were.
I have taken enough medicinal compounds to empty a small chemist shop to almost zero effect. And of course they have had almost zero effect because you cannot cure the common…er…a serious virus. Apparently, all these tablets and lemon-flavoured drinks have alleviated my symptoms but I can only imagine how awful I would feel if they hadn’t.
And I ask you this: where does all this snot come from? What is it doing when I don’t have a virus? Does it just sit around for months on end, ready to burst out when my immune system has had enough? And what is making my elderly bones ache and my skin feel all tingly? Is the snot working its war around my bloodstream?
I have concluded there is only one solution: alcohol. I have started with a bottle of Estrella before I move on to the remnants of last night’s Chardonnay/Viognier and finally a small glass of Metaxa. I think I read in the Express that alcohol can cure almost anything these days, although I may have made that up. It’s got to be worth a try, hasn’t it?
Let me leave you with one thought: why does a virus go to sleep at roughly the same time that you do? No matter how bad the virus, the snot taps are usually turned off just for a few hours before they open again as soon as you get out of bed. It is surely one of the wonders of the world.
Thanks for reading. As my family keep saying after I sneeze yet again: bless you.
