“It’s not the despair. I can stand the despair. It’s the hope!” These were the words used by John Cleese in the chaotic, toe-curling but ultimately very funny film Clockwise and it’s also a quote that has been attributed to football legend Gary Lineker when describing the England team. Watching England splutter to a late victory against the giants of Slovenia reminded me what a great quote it was.
I was in a place of abject misery throughout the first half, bemoaning as I often do the worst England team there has ever been. That is not to say the team is full of bad players but rather that most of them are bang average, with the honourable exceptions of Joe Hart, Wayne Rooney and, officially as of yesterday, Jack Wilshere. I made countless curmudgeonly tweets, I exchanged texts with fellow complainers but mostly I sat slumped in my chair, watching the inevitably defeat. And then Wilshere score two quite brilliant goals.
Wilshere attracts criticism. He carries the ball forward, far closer to his feet than any other Englishman. He takes chances, sometimes he loses the ball. He drives some people mad, but even I, a mere terrace dweller, wanted Roy Hodgson to move him forward, out of the “holding role” where he is wasted, to where he can cause damage to the opposition or hand them possession. And when he got forward, he caused me to leap out of my chair. “Did you see that? Get in!” I said to no one at all. My hopes were up by then and when Wilshere added a second, even better goal, I was proclaiming a brilliant winner. Then the despair kicked in. Slovenia equalised. Normal service resumed.
Ah well, 2-2 is better than a 1-0 defeat and it was a much better game, thanks to a few subtle changes by the manager and the introduction of Adam Lallana, who finally looked like the player he was before he went to Liverpool. Rooney, who up to now, looked like a man who could not hit a cow’s arse with a banjo (this is a technical term), they scored a wonderful goal, giving the keeper the eye for the bottom right hand corner of the goal and sweeping it into the opposite side. England? Why do you keep doing this to me?
Now I had hope again, based on a decent second half recovery against a modest opposition. That hope does not run wild as it used to, not when I look at the teams England will actually face in tournaments. Argentina and Spain have players on their bench who are light years better than anything we have on the pitch and class will always win out in the end, no matter how hard Fabian Delph works for the team.
My hope merely extends to getting a positive result in a tournament. Success used to mean getting out of the group, but I no longer expect even that. Beating someone, anyone, with an own goal or a dubious penalty – that will do, before the players fly home to to sit on the bench at their Premier League clubs.
There was plenty of despair and a little bit of hope last night. Standard for England, I’m afraid, but it is the hope that kills you.
