In my new role of shop worker, I now understand the true meaning of Christmas. I always knew what Christmas meant to people and how important it was on their calendars, but now I understand the deep, profound meaning. It’s all about spending a shedload of money on booze and things that make us fat and the spirit of Christmas is alive and well and he’s called Jack Daniels.
I went to our local shopping mall last night, named with stunning originality as ‘The Mall’ (how do they think of these things?), and it was much quieter than I expected, but for a wretched brass band pumping out tired old carols as I struggled to chomp my way through my first KFC in at least a year. Oh, there were people wandering up and down ‘The Mall’ but curiously most of the shops were quiet, if not deserted, apart from the Apple store and HMV. There were Christmas lights and trees everywhere and countless images of Santa Claus who disappeared from our lives as soon as our children stopped being toddlers.
There is next to no religion in the modern day Christmas. Yes, there are carol services everywhere and nativity plays in schools (and, no, they haven’t been banned) but they are more to do with tradition than religious observance. I rather enjoy the former, if I am being honest, especially if there is a good chance of a few pints afterwards.
There’s definitely excess and we are as guilty of that as anyone. Given that the shops are closed for all of one day, we will, by this time next week, have industrial quantities of food in the house and enough booze to last for months, or the New Year as we call it around here. We will feast on cheese, chocolates and all manner of stuff we don’t touch all year because, come January, we are going to lose weight and loads of it. In the meantime, it’s time to top up.
Doubtless there are biblical references to Jack Daniels, Christmas Puddings, Cheese with crackers, Turkey, the Queen’s speech, Top of the Pops, Strictly Come Dancing, Lanson champagne (ooh, aren’t we posh, then?) and Port and Stilton (so even more cheese there) and doubtless once I have been on the sherry I might even believe in some of the religious stuff, but probably not.
There are all manner of things we seem to eat and drink at Christmas which we never do all year, at least I don’t. Things like Cherry Brandy and Marshmallows – what a hideous combination. Croissants for breakfast, preferably full of chocolate and then get stuck into the booze before a dinner that could probably feed everyone who sang on Geldof’s umpteenth update of Feed the world for years to come. And then, nod off during the obligatory James Bond movie and then pretending you haven’t been asleep at all.
And that one day is what it’s all about. As a card-carrying atheist, I always look forward to Christmas. I do think of absent family and friends and I shall raise a glass, or maybe even a bottle, to them over the festive period.
But I ask you this. When you are settling down for an orgy of excess, just give a thought for me as I settle down for hours of misery and distress whilst she who must be obeyed watched an Eastenders special in which something awful is bound to happen. It is Christmas after all!
Another drink anyone?
