“Poor old Biggins,” some are saying. “He’s been booted off Big Brother. It’s political correctness gone mad.” Do you want to bet?
I shall try but probably fail to avoid sounding like a snob when I say that I have never seen a full episode of Big Brother. I get the general idea all right, that millions of viewers sit in front of their televisions every night to watch a bunch of nobodies doing uninteresting things, often under the influence of alcohol. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose, says the man who still watches re-runs of Highway to Heaven and the Professionals.
But what did the “entertainer” and lifelong Conservative Party supporter and Margaret Thatcher admirer Christopher Biggins say that was so grossly offensive, even to the producers of Big Brother for whom all publicity is usually considered to be good news? It’s easy enough to find it on the internet, but to save you looking, I’ve found it for you.
Of course, I know who Biggins is but I am not sure why he is famous. He has no known talent unless you count his sexuality as somehow a talent, which is a throwback to the John Inman/Larry Grayson style of comedy, except that Inman was a great stage performer and Grayson a hugely underrated stand up comedian. Biggins is not fit to lace their boots which is why he is, or rather was, appearing on Big Brother, the last refuge for desperate TV “personalities”.
Hold your breath, grit your teeth and read what follows. Warning: the transcript contains cretinous behaviour (so typical Big Brother, so I am told) and serious racism. And be ready to catch your jaw when it drops to the floor.
(Biggins, Katie, Bear, Ricky, Renee, Grant and Aubrey are talking about recent shootings in America.)
Aubrey: It’s just I think the cops, man, they’re so racist, you can’t defend it.
Renee: Listen, I know some cops they’re not all bad, it’s the top brass…
Aubrey: Right, that’s what I mean, it’s the captains of the police and the men on the street are just following orders.
Ricky: It’s scary, I wouldn’t want to live there.
Bear: F*fck them cops, man, that’s bullshit.
Biggins: But it must be said one would have no reason to worry if they weren’t commiting a crime.
Aubrey: That’s not true, they shoot black folks for nothing, I’m telling you.
Biggins: I just think that some of them are acting suspicously and maybe if you are a black man you shouldn’t chance your luck like that, you know? You have to show respect to the cops, and statistically black people commit more crimes! I’m sorry, that’s just a fact.
Katie: Isn’t that because of society…
Biggins: Well, look, that might be part of it, but I heard from a scientist that black people have brains that are more likely to commit crimes.
(RIcky’s eyes bulge out. Bear laughs and claps his hands.)
Bear: Biggins, my son, I thought I was the conroversial one mate, I tell you what!
Biggins: No, it’s true, it’s not racist at all, but black people and white people evolved in different contintents and they are different…
Aubrey: But that’s going back to prehistoric times…
Biggins: They’re still different, I’m sorry! Look at how black people have those wide nostrils compared to us, now, that’s a difference on the outside. That means there can be differences on the inside too, like in the brain.
Renee: There might be something to that.
Katie: What scientist said this, what channel was it on…
Biggins: It wasn’t on tv, dear, I have many friends, look, James will tell you, James, come over here.
(James is walking by and comes over.)
Biggins: James, you don’t believe in climate change, do you?
James: Well, it’s not that I don’t’ believe, but I don’t believe it is man made…
Biggins: Right, and you’ve had scientists say things like that haven’t you, scientists who aren’t afraid to go against the grain and tell the TRUTH.
(Samantha calls James away.)
Katie: Biggins, I think that’s going too far, I really do…
Aubrey: Listen, Hitler had scientists saying things about the Jews…
Bear: Woah! Bang! Right in there with the Hitler!
Grant: Err…
Biggins: No, don’t bring Hitler into this, I don’t know who his scientists were, obviously even if what they said was true he went too far with what he did…
Katie: He killed millions of Jews!
Biggins: Right, but how many Arabs have the Jews killed? Oops, I’m sorry, I forgot you were one of them. HAHAHAHAHA. Look, sorry, Katie, I’m not saying…look if I was a Nazi I’d have you locked up in that jail over there and it would be my own personal concentration camp!
Ricky: Christ!
Biggins: It’s only a laugh, HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Renee: You can’t joke about that stuff in America, okay, because the Jews run everything. Even Obama has to answer to them.
Biggins: Yes, fascinating, isn’t it, Obama would have had to ride in the back of the bus when I was a youngster…and they didn’t complain back then.
Aubrey: Who?
Biggins: The coloureds. They didn’t complain about racism back then and there’s something to be said for that! Maybe if they stopped complaing AS MUCH now, you know, maybe the police wouldn’t be shooting them.
Aubrey: No, man, that’s…what?
Grant: Umm…
Ricky: Biggins, I think you should say like, that was just a joke, you should clarify…
Bear: NAW man, f*ck it, leave him alone, shit bruv, Biggins is a legend he can say what he wants!
Biggins: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Katie appears to be crying. Marnie spots this and walks over.)
Marnie: What’s wrong, luv?
Aubrey: Katie, are you…
Katie: No, it’s okay, just leave it…
Bear: She’s crying, bruv!
(Biggins gets up.)
Biggins: I’m going to get a drink.
(He walks off.)
Renee: I can’t believe the shit he said!
Katie(sobbing): My great gran….concentration…
Aubrey: Shit that was f*cked up.
Bear: I love it, man, I love it! YEAH!
(Bear punches the air.)
And so farewell to Christopher Biggins, unlamented and largely untalented. That’s what’s left of his career finished. Let’s be honest: you don’t say that kind of stuff unless you mean it, do you? No point in apologising.
