I’m a celebrity, get me the remote

According to my (on-line) dictionary, a celebrity is “a famous or well-known person.” The producers of the new series of “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here” are stretching this definition to the Nth degree. It probably says more about my increasingly tenuous grasp of what’s on TV and when, but there are an awful lot of the current “celebrities” on the show whom I have never heard.

I give you, for starters, one Susannah Constantine. Neither the name nor face rings any bells, I have no idea who she is and why she is, allegedly, a celebrity. The same applies to Jorgie Porter, although I am familiar with Kieron Dyer who was once a half-decent footballer. Chris Eubank I know well (not personally, I hasten to add) but George Shelley, I don’t; although the name suggests perhaps a 19th century playwright or poet. Brian Friedman, no idea, but I have heard of Duncan Bannatyne although I have no idea who he is or why he is famous. A Scottish country singer perhaps? Yvette Fielding, who was on Blue Peter, I remember, but ‘Lady’ Colin Campbell? Lady? What a strange name for a lady. Or perhaps she is a man with a lady’s name, like Alice Cooper? And finally, Tony Hadley who once sang with the 1980s popular beat combo outfit Spandau Ballet. Impressive, eh?

If I thought they were a lot of has beens and never seres, just look at the glittering list of celebs yet to arrive: none other than Spencer Matthews, Ferne McCann and Vicky Pattison. Stars don’t come much bigger than that.

I suppose I shouldn’t mock, since I have never actually seen the programme, but then again, why not? I gather the purpose of the show – feel free to correct me if I’m wrong – is to see which celebrity can consume the most kangaroo testicles without being sick, whilst simultaneously bathing in pool of starving piranhas. That this passes for entertainment, I’ll never know, but then again, I grew up watching the Flowerpot Men, two puppets who could barely string two words together in a language you could barely understand. I’m a celebrity is introduced by Ant and Dec, two (insert your own joke here). I am guessing that the show’s ultimate winner will be decided by the public via a phone vote, which will go a long way to paying the small fortune in fees the celebrities will enjoy.

Anyway, do enjoy the show, if you like that sort of thing. I’ll be saving myself for the next “All Star Mr and Mrs”, “Celebrity Big Brother” and “The Chase: celebrity special”. Nothing like quality TV, is it? Nothing.