The man from Virgin called again this week in order to sort out yet another issue with their overpriced product, this time an error with the system which saw the TV rebooting itself at random times and buggering up one’s enjoyment whilst watching a programme, as well as stopping ongoing recordings. The very personable guy turned up to reveal we had the wrong box and got the correct one from his van, which meant losing everything we had recorded. We thought the last bloke to call gave us a sneaky upgrade and said nothing about it. Now we realise that we were probably last on his daily round and he gave us any old crap. Virgin Media – never knowingly providing a decent service. Maybe it’s time to get a dodgy fire stick? Everyone else has got one.
People keep saying to me, “Why do you spend so much on cable TV when you can simply buy a fire stick and get the whole lot, including Pay Per View (PPV) events, for a one-off outlay of £50? You must be mad!” The last sentence is almost certainly true because although I have wobbled from time to time and said, “Sod it, let’s get a fire stick” but then I think, “No, I’ll get caught. Everyone says you’ll never get caught but they’ll catch me and before I know it, I’ll be up before the beak facing a lifetime in prison alongside sundry axe murderers and paedophiles.”
The temptation is there, though. Who wouldn’t want everything for free than having to pay for it? Virgin – other rip-off providers are available – already charge an arm and a leg and have already announced that in future they’ll be increasing their prices every year along with the RPI index, which no one uses but it’s usually far higher than the CPI, plus 3.9%. That would be 17% this year – 17% extra for a galaxy of shit stations showing old programmes that weren’t very good when they were new programmes and Sky Sports WITHOUT HD. Honestly, our picture quality when we settle down to watch some sport is embarrassingly bad, to the extent that the screen looks like it has condensation all over it.
Obviously, I don’t wish to reveal names and locations but I’m pretty sure that more people I know have the fire sticks than don’t. I have visions of them sniggering when watching Tyson Fury’s latest PPV fight for free when I am listening to it on the radio. “He must be a right mug,” they might be saying. But there’s something else I don’t like about these fire sticks: it’s dishonest. How could I, a former benefit fraud investigator in the DWP, live with myself if I was actively committing fraud? I’m the sort of person who would fret about that, not so much the fear of Inspector Knacker knocking on the door and carting me off to the local nick, but the feelings of overwhelming guilt. I’ve always had that.
I remember when I had a Saturday job in Boots the Chemist’s warehouse back in the early 1970s. I remember nicking a copy of the Beatles’ Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, initially feeling elated but later feeling so guilty that despite it being one of the greatest albums in the history of history, I couldn’t enjoy it. For nearly 50 years I have been thinking about returning the LP in order to assuage the guilt and even shame I feel. I doubt that Boots missed it but I have never forgotten how awful that felt because I still feel that awful. I hope I have made it up for it in some ways by doing good things and making charitable donations but once upon a time I was a common thief. That feeling has never left me and clearly never will. I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
So, it will be no fire stick for me, certainly not after reading in the press – I won’t link which papers because they’re right wing scum and don’t deserve a click from you – that coppers are now knocking on people’s doors to stop people using them.
But mainly because, despite Virgin’s exorbitant pricing, the sale of fire sticks is a crime and someone, somewhere is probably engaged in something far worse than giving you free access to stuff you would otherwise pay for.
The straightforward, honest money saving solution is quite simple: get rid of all subscription TV and just watch Freeview, not least because there is so much more to life than sitting around all day watching the crystal bucket. I’ll have plenty of time for that if I make it into old age, sitting in my care home, pissing my pants and wondering what day it is.
