Big Brother

Having too much time on my hands, I have looked at the list of contestants for this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. I am going to be honest with you and say that I have only ever seen a short part of one show from a few years ago when the then presenter Davina McCall wore only a skimpy bikini. I cannot remember why she was so scantily clad, nor did I particularly care, but it was at the time a rare TV highlight.

I am surprised to find that the show is still going but someone, somewhere – quite conceivably in the next room to me – must be watching it. But having now seen contestants, I think the show is on shaky ground using the word celebrity. Let’s just take a look, without cheating and googling the people:

1) Austin Armacost. Not a clue. An American soap star?

2) Bobby Davro. Yes, I’ve heard of him. A moderately talented impressionist and alleged comedian from the 1980s and rarely seen since.

3) Chris Ellison. The face is familiar but the name isn’t. A TV sit com, perhaps?

4) Daniel Baldwin. I think he may have successful brothers but I have no idea what he does. A low grade actor, possibly?

5) Farrah Abraham. No. A TV presenter?

6) Gail Porter. Yes, I remember her. She was a half-decent TV presenter and then her hair fell out, a la Duncan Goodhew. No idea what she does nowadays.

7) James Hill. Hmm. Should I know him? I’ll guess he is a dancer.

8) Janice Dickinson. Until my partner said she was a supermodel (really???) I had never heard of her. The photos suggest she is actually quite old and has had a lot of work done.

9) Janna Jameson. She’s a porn star. My oldest son said so!

10) Nathasha Hamilton. A mystery to me. A TV presenter?

11) Scoop. I am told he is a rapper. With a name like that, he should have a c before rapper.

12) Sherrie Hewson. She was married to Reg Holdsworth in Coronation Street when I used to watch it. Don’t know what she’s done since.

13) Stevi Ritchie and Chloe Jasmine. I am sure they are superstars but not in my world. Dancers?

14) Tila. Can you give me a clue because I don’t have one? A model?

And that’s Celebrity Big Brother for you. Hidden cameras filming 24/7 a bunch of has beens and never weres. Actually, that’s unkind. I expect to readers of the Mail, Sun and Star, each and every one of them will be a household name. To middle aged fuddy duddies like me, I’d be surprised if they were household names (get ready for the punchline) in their own households! Baboom tish!

It’s entertainment, for sure, but not as I know it. This is entertainment for the voyeur, the peeping tom, the dirty old man wearing a raincoat with the pockets removed in the Kings Cinema in Old Market back in the day. Boring people doing boring things in front of hidden cameras that they know are there. Where’s the fun in that?

I don’t mind some “reality TV”. The Airport show on BBC1 a few years ago was fun, making big stars of some ordinary airport workers whereas Big Brother is succeeding in making minor personalities complete non-entities.

Whatever floats your boat and all that, but do you really have nothing better to do or watch?