I have spent the day doing absolutely nothing of note.
The most exciting bit was having my hair cut and it all went downhill from there.
I’m just emerging from an episode with the Black Dog, who has now trotted off again, hopefully a very long way away. It was not fun while it lasted but, for reasons I will never understand, I now have a fair idea when he is coming and when he is going. That was one of many positives I got from therapy: I learned pretty well exactly when I was going to be ill.
The bad bit was not being able to do anything. It was the same when I was at work. I couldn’t start anything because I knew I couldn’t finish it. I’d sit in the chair, not really wanting to get up from it, and stare out the window or look at You tube (not at work: we were banned from You tube). How on earth did us clinical depressives managed before the internet?
I didn’t exactly do nothing today. It was slightly more than nothing. I took my son to tennis, I went to Asda. I wrote an essay for this site, I read parts of my newspaper. I walked in the back garden and thought how nice it would be to be to sit in the sun and read my book. But I didn’t quite have the patience or concentration to read in any great depth. But the warmth of the sun was lovely to behold.
So tonight, I have been watching Warrington draw 24 each with Huddersfield in the rugby league and now I am watching baseball, which I really don’t understand. I should understand it because it looks like a whole lot of fun but the commentators are not speaking English. They are talking the sporting equivalent of business speak. Someone tell me what the hell is going on?
And that’s me in a nutshell, or is it nut job? I don’t really understand very much in life but at least I think I know why.
I’m more optimistic than I was yesterday and last week and I am not going out of my way to not do anything that takes me outside my comfort zone, or not that far anyway.
Autumn is nearly here though and that will change everything again, with all those dark, cold nights that last forever.
Oh, I’m lucky. You told need to tell me how lucky I am. And I’m better than I was.
But I still don’t get this baseball malarkey.
