Having blogged that we should not ban people from saying stupid things, I am going to launch a campaign to ban people doing certain things and, as if to cement my status as Mr Inconsistent, banning them from saying stupid things. Not stupid things that the likes of Tyson Fury and Donald Trump say, but stupid things many of allegedly normal people say. I am a man on a pointless mission.
The first thing I am going to ban is the X Factor. All it does is encourages Karaoke lovers to sit around on their sofas when they could, maybe even should, be in the pub, enjoying a few drinks and getting much needed exercise. There are far more judges in the pub and most of them have at least as much talent as Cheryl Cole and Rita Who. And the Brucie bonus would be the almost certain absence of Simon Cowell.
Then, I would ban tattoos. But even this would take second place to personalised number plates. What is the point? Unless you have forgotten your own name – in which case, what are you doing driving in the first place? – do you really think that anyone else cares what’s on your number plate? It’s even worse when the personalised plate includes numbers that are supposed to be letters, but you can only tell by looking closely, thus endangering fellow drivers. Many of the personalised plates only make sense to the person who owns it, in which case – what??? Please do not attempt to explain why you need a personalised plate. Just remember, comrade, that on the glorious day that they will be banned.
Finally for now, there are sayings I would ban with immediate effect and breaching my new law would have devastating consequences. If you use the term “Whoop, whoop” in the style of a submerging submarine when you are allegedly excited, just remember you never actually use the words in real life. You have only read them on social networks. The same goes for “nom nom”, when you are about to devour some food which is bound to be fattening. You know full well that if you actually used this term verbally, you would get a punch in the mouth and richly deserve it. Enough already.
There is much more to come on the subject of banning things. I am just getting into my allocated role as family Grinch. I am working on it, but future blogs will include “reviews of the year” on TV and newspapers, how christians have stolen christmas from the rest of us and Alan Sugar (what is he good for? Absolutely nothing).
