Yesterday, I was prevented from adding to my increasingly impressive wardrobe by my partner and carer, who are the same person. Until recently, I have been Man at TX Maxx rather than the wearer of anything remotely smart but at long last I have become more adventurous. I still can’t wear anything with buttons on, which effectively rules out actual shirts and polos – I don’t know why: I just hate things with buttons on. I think it goes back to the days when my mother forced me to wear pyjamas to bed – and leaves me with the option of T shirts and thick jumpers. That’s not changed, but my latest attempt to upgrade my range of clothing quickly fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t allowed to buy some items from Lidl’s exciting range of clothing.
I rather liked the trainers, Made from sustainable water-based PU, whatever that is, retailing at a reasonable £14.99, the T shirt at £4.99 and the sliders, also at £4.99. The white £2 sports socks look a bit shit, except for elderly British tourists in the Canary Islands who like to wear them with sandals (WHY???). For a few coppers short of £25, I would have much of the clothing range required for my next holiday. My partner looked mortified, giving me that “YOU ARE NOT WEARING THAT IF YOU’RE OUT WITH ME” look.
I accused her of snobbery. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that I won a magazine competition for a range of clothing from Spam. We both agree that the cheaper supermarkets like Lidl and Aldi provide exceptional value – who, among us has not purchased a chain saw and a new pair of slippers because they were on special offer? – but I wondered if she who must be obeyed might have had the same issue with branded clothing had I wished to purchase clothing products from, say Waitrose or M&S? Then I thought about it. Were the more upmarket brands to start selling branded clothing of their own, I wouldn’t be interested. That Lidl was flogging its own merch was what appealed to me. I thought it was funny. Waitrose and M&S wouldn’t be funny. And then it occurred to me? Was I being slightly snobby and patronising towards Lidl? Or was I just overthinking things?
I like Lidl. Their product range is excellent and from what I can tell the stuff they sell is every bit as good as you’d buy elsewhere for a far higher price. I think that rather than being snobby and patronising, I’m actually trying to draw attention to how brilliant the store is. And I’m happy to wear its products which bear its logos, preferably at times when I am in – how should I say this? – a more middle class environment. I’m half-imagining going to breakfast this summer in our Spanish hotel, wearing a pair of Lidl sliders, imagining someone sneering at them and me piling in with a volley of invective, which would almost certainly never happen. You can’t argue with a sick mind, can you?
I have not given up on the idea of acquiring Lidl clothing. There will certainly be some level of familial resistance – “YOU’RE JUST SO EMBARRASSING!” – but I actually like their range of clothing. A baseball cap and I’d definitely be right in there. Stay tuned for more news on this monumental non-event later this week when the boss is away for a few days. What a surprise it would be for her if I met and greeted her in my Lidl T shirt. Let’s see if I can pluck up the courage.
