I couldn’t bring myself to listen to Sue-Ellen (Suella) Braverman’s rant yesterday at the Conservative party conference. I knew what was coming and what eventually came, some pound shop racist polemic directed at migrants. You know, people who don’t look like us. If we are not careful, said Braverman, future generations will look like … well, Rishi Sunak, Priti Patel, Kwasi Kwarteng, James Cleverly, Nadhim Zahawi and me. Concluding her speech, Braverman said: “In this country in 15 or 20 years’ time the black man will have the whip hand over the white man.” Jesus. Did she REALLY say that? Nah. That was Enoch Powell in his infamous Rivers of Blood speech in 1968. But we knew what she meant. Just yesterday I had an update about my own ancestry. I should be very afraid.
Braverman said that one in five children is being born to A FOREIGNER. Was I supposed to be appalled, and start ranting that these foreign women should be immediately deported, even the dead ones like my dear old mum? I’m half-expecting the Border Force to knock on my door demanding I gather my mum’s ashes and stick them on the next available KLM flight to the Netherlands because this land is overcrowded enough already. I’m already trying to work out my excuses because after my mum’s cremation, which was 24 years ago, I didn’t bother to retain any of her ashes. What would have been the point, I reasoned at the time? They wouldn’t actually do anything, short of sitting silently on the mantelpiece. And I very much doubt that Bristol South crematorium has retained an urn for me just in case I had the need for it one day.
Speaking of my ancestry, I suppose I should keep quiet about it, given this government’s demand for ethnic purity, because the update confirmed I am an out and out foreigner who is only here because of someone who came here on a boat, though not one of Sunak’s hated ‘small boats’, it has to be said. And here is my current ethnicity:
- 37% Germanic Europe
- 31% Norway
- 17% England and North Western Europe
- 9% Sweden and Denmark
- 6% Wales
Now keep this quiet, if you don’t mind, but there now exists the possibility I have a bit of Eastern Europe Roma in me. I think you will agree I am, as us experts would say, totally fucked.
It’s probably best not to mention my recent visit to Rotterdam, either, then given it is home to no less than 174 different nationalities. My DNA may be even more complicated than I first realised and that at least 77% of me is FOREIGN. Do you think it would be a good idea of I became familiar with the customs of Rwanda in case Sue-Ellen deems me simply too for her aryan ideal?
I’ve always thought of myself as one of those lily-livered, dripping wet woke liberals who abhor racism, with the smug confidence that I am British. And I am British, English when it comes to sport, even if my ancestry tells a very different story. But it seems I may not be pure enough for Braverman, Sunak and co.
I don’t particularly want to be deported anywhere but if I have to choose, please, Sue-Ellen, send me to the Netherlands and start the process off by getting me a Dutch passport. It’s much more useful than this worthless piece of shit you’ve sold me since Brexit, which has just made my life that bit harder. And sorry I’m not as British as you, Sue-Ellen.
