£100 million of tradition

I haven’t had the TV on all day and it’s something that won’t change tonight as THE CORONATION grows ever nearer. But I was gratified to learn that Charles Windsor, his son Bill and daughter in law Kate greeted “well-wishers”, or rough sleepers as we normally call them, lining the Mall. I am guessing that tonight’s rough sleepers will be acceptable rough sleepers because they’re not really homeless. If they were, Inspector Knacker would be “‘Ello, Ello, Elloing” through the masses and dispersing them or even whisking them off to the cells.

A small part of me understands that desire of people to watch the coronation, at least on television. “It’s history in the making,” we are told, “It will never happen again in our lifetimes.” All I can add is that so was the plague and we wouldn’t want that to happen again in our lifetimes, would we? Of course, I am not comparing Charles Windsor with the plague and despite my increasing indifference to all things royal, I am not wishing a plague on any of his many houses. But I can certainly manage without seeing a second more than is strictly necessary.

The fun begins this evening on BBC 1, with a preview show along the lines of Football Focus. Doubtless, someone stern and earnest will be presenting, probably Huw Edwards, giving us the odd knowing wink and careful nod to something or other and you just know the odious brown-nosing toad Nicholas Witchell will be there, with his know-it-all sneer, ignoring the fact that Charles hates his guts as much as everyone else does.

Some fashion expert will probably appear, explaining how Charles will wear full military garb and a selection of his 31 medals gained as a result of, well, being Charles. Clearly he won’t be able to wear all of them, otherwise he will list heavily to one side, always assuming he can stand up at all. But what will his wife, Camilla Parker-Bowles wear? And how will she manage all that time without puffing on a Capstan Full Strength? These, incredibly, are the big questions of the day. The good news is that because of Coronation Focus, we will not be forced to endure half an hour of Alex Jones and Jermaine Jenas wittering away aimlessly on the One Show.

As for tomorrow, what we will see a lot of is people waving. Charles and Camilla waving at their loyal subjects, their loyal subjects waving at Chas and Cam. Or at least you will be. I have other plans, which involve Huey Morgan’s excellent BBC 6 Music show and an afternoon at the New Bristol Brewery.

I am certainly expecting town to be quiet tomorrow as hundreds of thousands of Bristolians gather on their respective settees, boil the kettle and open a packet of bourbons, and enjoy some old bore explain how much the royal carriage cost (us) and explain why the royals didn’t just get a black cab instead. Oh, wait: that will be tradition, too. £100 million worth of tradition to be exact.

Once all the formal stuff is out of the way and Charles becomes the 40th monarch, cameras will take us to Buck House where The King, Mrs Parker-Bowles, Bill and Kate, Hazza the Duke of Sussex but not, at the insistence of Piers Morgan, Meghan Markle, who has decided she’d rather change nappies than watch all this shit. Quite frankly, so would I.

I could be wrong – perish the thought – but I sense that while there are definitely people who are looking forward to this coronation, but there are many more who barely care or don’t care at all. Charles may be many things, but the Queen he ain’t and even this old misery guts respected her. I don’t see anything about Charles other than he wants to be king and that he wants to have the full coronation with added bells and whistles. That may well be enough to see him through tomorrow but beyond that, I sense the continuation of the slow decline of the royals.

The old boy won’t change anything – his sister Anne has already made it crystal clear that she has enough to do already, what with being rushed from place to place to shake hands with people and pin medals on them. I’m not sure the Queen had much vision either, other than a deep belief in service, whatever that means. Apart from hugging trees, I don’t think Charles has had an original idea in his life. He’s the king, God bless him and all that. The Queen used to Queen, the King is about to King. Well into the 21st century, I can’t see how long that will be relevant to the next generation. He’s not relevant to me and I’m from the old generation.