Share interest

Having carried out in-depth research (yeah right – ed), I have now come up with a conclusive guide to what you should, and shouldn’t, post on social media in general and Facebook in particular. I have compiled it with the appropriate age groups in mind, which is to say some people over 50, many people over 60 and almost no under 50 because – and this is a simple fact – young people do not use Facebook these days.

Facebook is the weirdest social media platform imaginable. It was set up in 2004 by Mark Zuckerberg who, according to Google AI, “designed (it) as an online directory exclusively for Harvard students to match names and photos with profile.” Two years ago, the world and his wife, or the world and her husband, were using it and it took on a life, and half a mind, of its own. Now, over 3 billion people use Facebook, mainly as a means of keeping in contact with people they barely know or don’t know at all. It seems completely bonkers, doesn’t it, but can over 3 billion people be wrong? Answer: not if they like what they are doing, of course not!

Before we get into the gist of today’s blog, please don’t take any of it personally. While it is based, however loosely, on what actually happens in the wacky world of social media is supposed to be at least semi-humorous. If, somehow, you see yourself then take it as read that it was not intended to be. I’m here to entertain you, allegedly. Let’s go!

• The first golden rule is to not share generic posts on serious subjects and try to morally blackmail others into sharing them. You know the kind of thing. Repost some heartbreaking comments about, say, cancer and then end by saying something like, “most people won’t share this but I know my real friends will”. I don’t want to make it look like I am uncaring about people with cancer, but I am not interested in resharing a bland, generic post just because someone says I should. Why not make a personal donation to charity instead? Posting this stuff does not make you a better person.
• Why do people share things that others have lost, whether it’s bikes, motorbikes, dogs and horses, especially when the loss/theft took place on the other side of the country? Social media is fluff. You just look at stuff when you’re killing time on the bus or in between Emmerdale and Coronation Street and then forget about it. Just report it to the police instead. The missing items still won’t come back but at least you’ve done your bit.
• If it’s particularly hot weather, do you honestly think you need to instruct people on social media to prevent their dogs walking on hot pavements? If you do have ‘friends’ who are that thick that they do walk their dogs in 100 degrees, shouldn’t you think of unfriending them?
• Don’t become an independent trader on social media, particularly when you are dealing in Pyramid and MLM schemes. There have been plenty of those over the years, flogging things like perfume and, more recently, becoming ‘independent travel agents’ and there are two things that are nearly certain to happen. You will not make any money and you will start losing friends once they tire of you trying to hard sell holidays, but mainly a gig as ‘an independent travel agent’ to them. Once you realise the whole point of these schemes is not so much to sell products but to recruit other people, it may already be too late.
• Why do you feel the need to take photographs of your dinner? You are likely to piss everyone off. A nice juicy steak will likely sicken vegans and vegetarians, who would prefer to see a happy cow wandering around a field mooing at other cows, rather than being slaughtered in order to put on a plate. By the same token, carnivores really do not want to see images of tofu, tempeh, and seitan. It can be very upsetting to us, the prospect of those being the foods available in the post meat era. Have you ever been to Forest Green Rovers? It’s hell on Earth. Instead, have you ever thought of eating your dinner before it gets cold?
• Sharing memes that can mean anything you want them to mean but more often nothing at all. Why share them? If you read one and then reply, “True!” give your head a massive wobble because it probably isn’t.
• The way AI is taking over Facebook is scary. I’ve been fooled by AI videos and images, but then I am thick, but I am not fooled when people create AI images of themselves. I just wonder why? They bear a recognisable resemblance to the real thing, but without the lines of age, which I actually love in real life, and with better hair, teeth and muscles. If anyone wants to look ‘better’, why not take some exercise and eat less? If people look at an AI image, purportedly of themselves, I really can’t help them.
• As we all agree, taking more exercise and eating less crap is a good thing. But once you do, don’t keep banging on about it. The world, as is the internet (cos it’s smaller) is full of people who once boasted how much fitter and lighter they were after one exercise regime or diet or another, but due to one reason of another are back where they started again. It’s worth keeping that stuff private, unless you are trying to shame unfit, overweight friends. And whatever you do, stop banging on about running, especially ‘PBs’ and the number of steps walked. Who are you trying to impress? In any event, lycra never looks good on anyone over 40. That’s a simple fact.
• I cannot understand why you would wish an actual friend a happy birthday, anniversary or whatever by posting about it on social media. Why not actually call, text or simply message that person and if you love them, tell them so? I know it’s so much easier and more convenient to do it on social media, but that’s the whole point: make an effort, show you care!
• Worse than the last one, why are wishing anyone a happy birthday or whatever and not tagging them? I have seen people sending greetings to people who for various reasons (old age, infirmity to name but two) don’t even use social media. It’s like sending someone a card, but leaving it blank and not putting the address on the envelope. Why not buy a card, write something on it including the address and delivering it, either in person or via the Royal Mail (allow two weeks at least with the latter)?
• One strange one is sending ‘happily heavenly greetings/wishes’ to dead people. I understand loss, believe me, and still mourn the departed, but here’s the thing: I don’t believe they are in Heaven or Hell because these places don’t actually exist. There’s no evidence that any of our loved ones survived their own deaths in order to live forever but I suppose if you do God, as I don’t, shouldn’t you actually be celebrating your belief that your loved ones did survive theirs so there’s no reason to be sad? Unless of course you don’t really believe that.
• Can people stop using cringe-inducing slang like holibobs, famalam, Chrimbo, amazeballs and my most hated expression nom nom nom? Unfortunately, this form of idiocy can be found in real life, too, but there is no excuse for it. I would ban such terms and people using them should be subject to Capital Punishment.
• When someone gets Very Angry about something incredibly trivial, or they cut and paste something angry that another person said, I do wish that by way of conclusion they would refrain from ending the post with ‘Rant Over’. The dictionary definition of ‘rant’s is clear: ‘to complain loudly, angrily, or unreasonably’ and ‘to talk or recite in a noisy, excited, or bombastic manner’. No one would want to sit next to someone on the bus or in the pub who does that. Why do it on social media?
• “Where did all the time go?” people say, seemingly amazed that something which appeared to have taken place a few weeks ago actually occurred during the last century, something that comes up, say, as a ‘memory’ on social media. Well, think about it. Time does appear to pass quicker as you get older because you tend to have fewer new experiences and end up doing the same things all the time. In other words, your brain is less engaged, it’s not having to work hard and time does indeed appear to rattle by an increasingly rapid rate of knots. There is absolutely nothing wrong in how you live your own life, whether you choose to do different things and visit different places or do the same things and visit the same places as you always did. If it makes you happy, as Sheryl Crow sang, it can’t be that bad. But when you ask the question, “Where did all the time go?”, the odds are it went when you spent much of your time doing the same things over and over again. That definitely includes work, by the way.
• Imagine going down your local pub with a large box of photo albums. You place the box on the floor and start taking out the albums one by one and showing hundreds of photographs to people you either know a little bit or barely know at all. They include endless gurning selfies and photos of yourself, family and friends, as well as views of the places you visited. Some of these albums might include a hundred photos or more, yet you expect your fellow pub customers to be interested in what social media calls a “photodump”. When I see a “photodump”, I rarely bother to go through it but I do wonder whether the photographer concerned actually spent anytime enjoying the time they were having, particularly if they were on holiday. Maybe it’s just me, but my best memories are inside my head.

I hope you’ve learned something useless (useful surely? – ed) from this light-hearted blog. As I said, it’s just a bit of fun, although I have to say writing it reminded me just how fucking mad social media can be. Now excuse me while I put on my lycra as I head out on a 10k (possible PB?) before I get back home to book next year’s holibobs with the famalam. Catching, isn’t it?