One of the things that most endears me to Ukraine’s president Zelenskyy is his dress sense. Until recently, he appeared to wear a type of military outfit and even though he has, in the eyes of some folk, ‘smartened up his act’, he is rarely, if ever, seen wearing a suit and tie. Our new prime minister Andy Burnham has also shown refreshing signs of wearing more casual clothing as the occasion demands. As someone who is never seen wearing a suit and tie, I welcome these people into my life.
I am often told by my partner that men in suits look smart. For the first time in years, I can almost get into mine now without lying flat on my back to do up the flies and buttons while breathing in deeply, but I still hate it. I hate it because I find anything smart as being a real pain in the arse to wear.
I dislike any item of clothing that requires buttons, something that includes all shirts, polos and some pairs of jeans and trousers. Give me jeans with a zip fly any day of the week. But if I hate that lot – and trust me I do – don’t start me on ties.
I have never come across an item of clothing that is so utterly pointless. The tie is relatively easy to put on but what purpose does it serve? I obviously see why you would wear most items of clothing. They cover you up for one thing. The tie just kind of hangs there doing nothing. It’s as pointless as cufflinks. I look at the crystal bucket and all the men, and some women FFS, are wearing them. Male MPs, newsreaders, presenters; everyone wears the most pointless item of clothing, which serves no useful purpose at all. “It looks smart” does not explain the sheer pointlessness.
I have never done smart. I wear whatever makes me comfortable, is clean and doesn’t look too scruffy. In the summer, it’s T shirts and shorts. In the winter it’s usually T shirts and jeans, with added hoodies and/or warm coats. I see no need to iron shirts and trousers just to look smart, as my partner would say. But then, she and I have very different views on what counts as smart. To be fair, she is probably right because she has excellent dress sense, where I have none.
I suppose the suit is in some circumstances part of the uniform. If you go to court, you wear a suit. If you go to a wedding, you wear a suit. If you go to a funeral, you hope to God the family of the deceased add to the invitation that mourners should wear what makes them feel comfortable. When I die, I will make it clear that attendees must not wear smart clothing, not even casual clothing. They should be free to choose whatever the fuck they like. It’s not just the fact that I will be too dead to know about it, which of course I will be, but mainly because it really doesn’t matter.
Suits and other forms of ‘smart’ clothing are an anathema to me, perhaps more an enema. As long as you don’t look like a pile of shit, or a new age crusty, wear what the hell you like. If you dress to impress, trust me it don’t impress me much. Smart is overrated.
As the great bard Gary Barlow said: “Do what you like, do what you like. No need to tell me, do what you want.” That applies to dressing up, too. Relax, don’t do it.
