I am in the early stages of trying to turn my life around in the health and fitness department. Long years of mental illness – yes, I’m back on this old hobby horse: sorry – have had a bad effect on both. Add a twist of Covid when Boris Johnson announced that none of us could leave our homes made matters even worse, in my case, it felt, permanently. Then, slowly but surely, with all the mental energy I could muster – and I appreciate that’s not always much – I began to make progress. Then, someone I have known for many years, an acquaintance and not a friend, of course, goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, “You’ve put on a few pounds!’ as a conversation opener yesterday at yet another funeral. When this happens, I usually reply, as I did yesterday, with a “thanks very much for letting me know, You’ve really made me feel good by saying that, especially in front of people I don’t know” but I may as well be talking myself for all the use it does. Result? It was my main topic of thought during a funeral for a much-liked former acquaintance who would never have said something like that. What is it with some people?
I have always had an issue with body image and the increasing effects of age have only made things worse. Unlike the selfie-loving goons on social media, in particular Facebook and Instagram for the over fifties, I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I always have done. And I have always known that no matter how bad you look today, in ten years it will be far, far worse, so I avoid photos of me, selfies and, where possible mirrors, too. I am not the character in Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain who has one eye in the mirror as I watch myself gavotte (I always thought gavotte was ‘go by’, by the way).
In conversation, would I ever do the same or something similar? Would my opening gambit in a conversation with anyone be, “That’s a large mole you have on your face. Have you got cancer?” Or, “Your husband’s behaving oddly. Does he have Alzheimers?” Or, “You seem to be shaking. Have you got Parkinson’s?” Absolutely no chance. I may have misspoken along these lines in the distant past – let’s put it this way: I can’t guarantee I didn’t – but I can guarantee 100% that I would never try to belittle someone or make them feel bad by referring to their appearance.
Clearly, it has to be something to do with belittling people or it’s just sheer ignorance. Perhaps, it’s both? I’ve had it pretty well all my life, having been born with a purple keyhole birthmark on my face. The constant piss-taking ended up with me having two operations where the birthmark was literally cut out of my face – laser treatment didn’t exist back then – leaving me with a big scar on my face which would never go away, and hasn’t. Oh let’s see, wondered the pre-teenage me: a purple birthmark or an ugly scar. What’s it to be? The people who called me ‘Mole’ and, previously, ‘Keyhole Kate’ – well, what were they thinking about? Whether it was all a big joke or an attempt to belittle me – likely it was both – barely mattered. It had the same effect and, here’s another thing, I have never forgotten nor forgiven the people who invented and used the nicknames. I never will. Call me a snowflake, call me over-sensitive, I just don’t care. To me, it was unnecessary and cruel, just like calling someone ‘Fatty’ and ‘Four Eyes’.
The recent insults, because that’s what I think they are, have come at a time when I am trying to reverse some of the worst effects of age and poor mental health and that, too, is hurtful. Having become more reclusive since I was bullied by managers while working at the British Red Cross in Bristol and the lingering mental effects of the Covid years where I found being at home was always preferable to going anywhere and doing something, these malicious/careless/thoughtless/brainless comments (delete where appropriate, not that I think you will need to) just make things worse, except perhaps for the perpetrators of the insults who may, for all I know, feel better about themselves.
Rationality is not my strong suit, so I take the comments as deliberate insults, not as throwaway remarks. I feel, rightly or wrongly, and I honestly don’t care which it is, that it’s definitely about maintaining a superiority complex and deliberately belittling. Because despite my immediate protestations when the comments were made, there followed no apology or explanation. The time before this one saw the person double down and repeat the insult.
I want nothing to do with these people, some of whom I have known for many a long year. As I seek to improve my health and fitness, a much longer journey when you are older than it is when you are young, I want nothing to do with those who seek to do me down. And if someone said something similar to a friend who was with me, I would immediately call them out. The ‘Be Kind’ movement has, it seems has a very long way to go.
Few, if any of us, are picture perfect. Even the “look at me, don’t I look great?” selfie crew on social media. Don’t you dare tell me to pull myself together and act like a man or to stop being a snowflake. Words have consequences and not everyone who is on the end of what they see as an insult or merely crass insensitivity can just move on and forget about it. Perhaps it’s my poor mental state or my neurological conditions that make me feel this way and that brings something else into play. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. We don’t always know the demons that are in people’s heads. We don’t know if someone is already hurting when we blurt out something incredibly impersonal and upsetting. In short, we don’t always think.
I don’t want people commenting on my appearance, positive or negative. The ones who do are not friends, never will be and I’ll never want them to be. If they were to say sorry, I would not accept the apology because they meant what they said and would obviously say unpleasant stuff to me and others given half a chance.
I may need to adopt different strategies if this keeps happening, like simply telling people to fuck off or just walking away – or both. People can be very rude, very ignorant and they should know better. The fact that they don’t know better means they have no place in my life.
