An invitation arrives: “You are invited,” it begins. “Memorial of Jesus’ Death“. In fact, I have been invited to two events. Memorial of Jesus’ Death and ‘The Special Bible talk: “Can truth be found?” This could be a tricky one for me since I don’t happen to believe the supposed Jesus Christ ever existed at all and the truth, at least to me on the basis of evidence, or rather no evidence, happens to back that up. I look on the back of the leaflet and it turns out the senders are Jehovah’s Witnesses. God help us.
Actually, God can’t help us because he probably isn’t there. I say ‘probably’ because I cannot disprove his existence, but only in the same way that I cannot prove there are no fairies at the bottom of the garden. They are equally unlikely. Jehovah’s crew seem to have as barmy as a belief system as any.
The leaflet to attend the special talks does not provide a great deal of information on this particular sect, so what better to do than visit their website. There is a special section called “What Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Believe”. This is where things take a turn to the absurd.
It’s the usual guff about “We worship the one true and Almighty God, the Creator, whose name is Jehovah and the other gods are all made up.” Okay, it doesn’t really say the last bit, but that’s the great unsaid, unquestionably what they really mean. Most religions say that their God is the only God. Some of us go one God fewer. But I digress. Here are some of the best bits:
- These dudes accept that while the bible is the word of God, but some bits of it are written in figurative and symbolic language and are not to be understood literally. This is surely mad? If I write something, like this blog, I don’t do so on the basis that my words are not to be taken literally. Why else would I write them? Theirs is code for, “Don’t take the particularly bonkers bits seriously“. In my case, that’s all of it.
- Jesus isn’t God. He’s just the son of God and like his dad he doesn’t exist and never has.
- The kingdom of heaven is a real government in heaven and it will replace human governments.
- We are living in the last days. Best get pissed then?
- Deliverance from sin and death is possible through the sacrifice of Jesus.
- Only 144,000 people can go to heaven. With eight billion people on the planet, you’ll be lucky to get in.
- God will bring billions back from death by means of a resurrection. However, those who refuse to learn God’s ways after being raised to life will be destroyed forever with no hope of a resurrection. Oh hang on. We’re all going to be resurrected after all. Or destroyed by this kindly God.
- God hates gays.
- God hates blood transfusions and would rather you died than had one. Nice. Thanks, God.
- We ignore the law of the land if our religious superstitions say so.
- We stand around town with lots of leaflets which have all this shit written all over them.
To be honest, I was only drawn into this JW malarkey because the photo on the leaflet, the one that heads this blog appears to be the Liverpool net minder Alisson Becker. I have rarely trusted anyone more than I trust Alisson, but I suspect it’s actually your actual Jesus Christ himself following a trip to the barber shop. And judging from his hands, the picture was taken before Easter? (How do I know this? Because he isn’t carrying any eggs.)
It just had to be the Jehovah’s calling on a Sunday afternoon when the football is on the telly. They ALWAYS arrive when there’s something on the box and I cannot resist answering the door and saying something like, “Look, mate. I can’t stop. I’m having sex with my gay partner before I go off to give blood.” Politely, of course. They’re inevitably smiley, gentle people, who know a thing or two about ironing clothes, and you really don’t want to be rude beyond adding, “You do know that there’s no God, don’t you, and that you are wasting the one life you are going to get by involving yourself in nonsense like this?”
Don’t get me wrong. While I do not respect any religion, I respect the right of anyone to believe in any God they like provided they acquire no privileges or special treatment, as many religions seek to do, including the JWs here, who put their religious nonsense above the law.
If you’re a Jehovah’s Witness and you’re offended by this blog, I’m afraid I can’t help you. It’s my right, some say my duty, to ridicule you. Your keen rival, the Catholic church and it’s head honcho Pope Francis, takes a strong view on this:”You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.” Sorry Frankie. I can and I will. And Jehovahs: don’t expect to see me at your events. I rather think you wouldn’t like me to come anyway.
