And now we go live to Australia where the full line-up for I’m A Nonentity has been announced. Here are your stars for 2024:
- Coronation Street actor Alan Halsall
- Dancing on Ice judge Oti Mabuse
- TikTok and Loose Women star GK Barry
- N-Dubz star Tulisa
- McFly’s Danny Jones
- WAG Coleen Rooney
- BBC Radio 1 DJ Melvin Odoom
- Loose Women’s Jane Moore
- Former boxer Barry McGuigan
- Radio presenter Dean McCullough
Okay, so who have I heard of? Oti Mabuse, Tulisa, Coleen Rooney, Barry McGuigan. The names Danny Jones and Melvin Odoom ring vague bells – I have heard of McFly, but couldn’t name a single one of their songs – but the rest? Absolutely no idea. The last time I watched Coronation Street, portly local builder Len Fairclough was still propping up the bar of the Rover’s Return. The show is, of course, called I’m A Celebrity not Nonentity, but in this list is there a genuine A list celebrity?
Barry McGuigan was A list after he won a world boxing title but hasn’t fought since 1989. At best, some of the celebs are B list (Mabuse and Jones). The rest would struggle to get invited to open a supermarket. The ultimate contestant is surely Mrs Rooney, a celeb on account of her being married to soon to be ex Plymouth football manager Wayne.
The real stars, not that I have ever seen them present anything for more than a couple of minutes, are the presenters Ant and Dec. They have have the gift of … er … presenting the talents or otherwise of other people on television. It’s actually worse than that. If you can’t sing, dance, play an instrument, tell jokes or have any particular talent beyond reading an autocue, presenting is your route to superstardom. Young people literally strive to be TV presenters. I guess there’s loads of money in it so I suppose I shouldn’t knock it. Meanwhile, back to I’m A Twat, Get Me Some Cheap Publicity To Resurrect My Career.
In the excerpts I have seen, generally dislikable people are forced to eat strange animal parts and crawl around in ants and scorpions. I can almost see the attraction of seeing someone you really don’t like munching a Koala’s cock, but to be honest, I can think of a million things I’d rather do than watch that. I almost said I’d rather listen to a Queen album but watching someone munching a Koala’s cock will always come ahead of that, so to speak.
But millions will tune in every night until Christmas to see which nobody ‘wins’. And I wish them all the best, as well as finding something better to do with their lives at some point in the future. I watch a load of shit on telly from time to time, but not normally when it involves people rolling round in it.
One of my best friends in the world always says there is no such thing as bad music. In general terms, he’s right. But there’s plenty of bad TV around and this heinous programme, while not yet near the depths of Mrs Brown’s Boys, is pretty grim. I hope you enjoy it, though Christ knows how.
