On a daily basis, we are confronted by death. Someone famous perhaps, someone not so famous, but through what they have achieved in their lives, influential in our lives. In the last month, we lost a friend, the passing of former work colleagues and witnessed from a distance the passing of people we might had never met, but touched us. In the latter category I mention the brilliant Dickey Betts of the Allman Brothers Band who gave us some great music like Jessica and Ramblin’ Man and Bernard Hill, who to me will always be Yosser Hughes from Boys From The Blackstuff. We mourn people like Betts and Hill by relistening to or rewatching their work and we quickly get over it. Those we know and love, it’s much harder.
As we get older, the deaths are greater in number and so more frequent. And I feel the deaths when, perhaps, I did not see as much of a family member or friend in the latter stages of their lives. There are reasons, which can be little more than excuses. “I meant to see X but I never quite got round to it.”
Social media has been the game-changer. It’s easy to keep in touch with people without even needing to go and see them. Just send a message now and then, ‘like’ some photos. That’s keeping in touch 2024. The mobile phone offers the chance to talk, even to carry out what us old people refer to as ‘video calls’. Actually being with someone, well, it doesn’t mean so much, right?
I’m not so sure of that. In our village, as in yours and every other village in the world, people have died, or passed on or passed away or just passed if you can’t bring yourself to say died. And some lived what appeared to be quiet, insular lives. They appeared to have few visitors, even when they became more sick, but when they died, the crematoriums and churches were packed with people, in various degrees of mourning. Tributes flow, memories shared; we are so saddened by the news.
I suspect I am not the only one who then feels regret in one form or another. A couple of years ago, one of my best friends in the world died. I had not seen him because of Covid rules and then because if I had Covid and then gave it to him, it might kill him. The next thing I heard, he had died. Even today, I regret not seeing him, even though I know in my heart it was all beyond my control. Just one more day, a cup of tea or better still a pint of cider. Instead, all I had was memories, which I know was better than nothing.
One of the few social media forums I belong to is generally very quiet these days. It’s an old work forum which, when it started up, was quite lively. Now it exists almost solely to announce the death of a former colleague. I may not have been close to them and in recent cases I had not seen the people for upwards of 25 years, sometimes over 30, or even 40. When it’s someone I was close to and haven’t been close to for a number of years, a part of me thinks, “I wish I’d gone to see them”.
I don’t let that happen now. If a family member or friend is unwell, I now make a point of keeping in touch, where possible in person. I know it is easy for me because I no longer have the time constraints of being at work and really I have no excuse not to. And oddly, it makes me feel better, even though that’s not why I do it. I keep in touch with bereaved relatives too, which is again a personal thing but I like to do it. I’ve reached a point where nowadays I can’t look away. It’s not enough to ‘like’ something on social media or write a brief social media message.
When the worst happens and sick people die, suddenly everyone, it seems, can spare the time to attend a funeral, time that somehow wasn’t available when the person was alive. I am not casting aspersions or judging anyone because, as I always say, I am me and you are you. People make their own decisions and we must respect them for that. Trust me, I am far from holier than thou and have a pretty grim past history of keeping in touch with sick and dying people, including some close family members. Let he who is without sin and all the rest of it.
I mention social media, but of course it is overwhelmingly A Good Thing. Sure, it is not real life and a Facebook ‘friend’ is not always the same as a real friend – I hear you asking a real friend is! – but it is a terrific way of keeping in touch. Perhaps, we could go a step further and show live streams of funerals on You Tube and add live comments as it goes along. I may have seen the future and I am not sure if I like it or not.
There’s a famous question that’s been doing the rounds for years. It goes like this: “If you could have three people for dinner, living or dead, who would they be?” If your answer is, “I’ll choose three people who are living, please”, then you are like me. I still prefer human contact, the human touch if you will.
Saying “I love you” to someone’s face is always best, at least for me. But if it works for you via What’s App or Facebook, then who am I to criticise? This is the modern world, right?
