Absolutely hanging, as I am, with a combination of a major episode of Man Flu and a painful muscular issue in the left hip and leg department, I’ve been hoping for some good news. A deep hacking cough, as well as frequent sneezing events, does not work well in combination with my muscular condition and I have to confess to feeling more than a little sorry for myself. Then, a letter plops through my letterbox. “Here’s come good news for 2026 – and our free guide inside.” How exciting is this? And then I realise what this ‘good’ news is: It’s my “special invitation to start 2026 with the protection of Britain’s bestselling funeral plan.”
A company called Pure Cremation describes itself as “Britain’s number 1” and it’s “chosen by more people than anyone else“. And here’s the best bit: “over 30,000 5-star reviews”. Just the thing you need on a day when you feel almost literally like death.
I am not unaware of my own mortality. When you’re young, there is a bit of the “everyone else is going to die but I will be the one who goes on forever” going on, but these days I am very much aware of the affects of ageing, visually, internally; everything really. 2025 brought a litany of deaths and the idea that I would somehow be immune from my own is nonsensical. To that end, I’ve been planning my own funeral, at least the musical aspects, and planning to carry out as many bucket list activities before old father time does its worst.
Pure Cremation’s blurb is relentlessly jolly and upbeat, decorated as it is by numerous photos of happy shiny people, some obviously potentially dead middle-aged people and others employees of Pure Cremation with titles like Crematorium Manager, Ashes Return Specialist and Private Ambulance Team Leader. You might be forgiven for thinking this would be something to actually look forward to. Maybe there is?
The whole point of the correspondence is to illustrate how much cheaper they are than their competitors. Now that does appeal to me since, they say, the average funeral in my area costs an eye-watering £4351. I am not terribly bothered as to how I arrive at my own funeral since I will be too dead to know, so I won’t want an expensive coffin, a huge hearse or even a marked grave. Spend the money on something more useful, like an afternoon in the pub.
My favourite aspect of the advertising was to learn that Pure Cremation refer to themselves as “award-winning“. What? I thought. They have an award ceremony for Funeral companies? It turns out they do: the Good Funeral Awards, which this year are being held at Sindlesham Court in Berkshire. Now, I am sure this is a very serious business, but just look at some of the categories:
“Gravedigger of the Year. Most promising newcomer to the trade. Funeral Florist of the Year. And my personal favourite, Embalmer of the Year.” I have no idea what the ceremony will be like but will it be like the BAFTAs, going something like this: “And now we come to the award for the Coffin Supplier of the Year. And to present the award is Lucifer Morningstar.” (Loud applause as Lucifer arrives on stage.) “The nominations are … (reads out nominations)” and the winner is … (opens envelope) … Reg Scrote, funeral directors (wild cheering as the camera pans to Reg Scrote’s table) … and to accept the award … ” and you can work out the rest yourself. But then, I suppose there are award ceremonies for just about everything these days, so why not the good people who look after us when we’re no longer able to look after ourselves (or do anything at all, for that matter).
I’m certainly considering my options at the moment, particularly as I cannot stop sneezing and have a cough like a 100 a day Capstan Full Strength smoker. And the “good news” is that I can save £100 if I sign up now.
I would like to thank the Planning Ahead Manager for taking the time to write to me. The “Bestselling/most popular/most trusted/Britain’s favourite/Britain’s number 1” has certainly given me something to think about. “Hurry,” they conclude. “For a limited time, Britain’s favourite funeral plan just got even more affordable.” I like a good bargain, that’s for sure, and if Pure Cremation stop advertising their services on the fascist TV company GB News, I’ll consider their kind offer. As things stand, I wouldn’t be seen dead alongside anything to do with Nigel Farage, in this case, literally.
