For most of my adult life, I have been concerned about hair loss, mine in particular. Since both my grandfathers were almost totally bald by their mid twenties, I had every reason to. So becoming a pensioner with much of my Barnet still intact feels like a miracle and now the end is near (not that near, I hope, but you never know) I’m a lot less bothered by the possibility of being a fully fledged slaphead than I once was.
Some years ago, I was confronted by a decision that awaits many men. As my forehead became larger due to my slowly receding hairline, what could I do? There were a number of options. These were they:
- Wear a hat. This had worked for many men over the years. Only recently, I saw photos of Kid Rock in the Oval Office with fascist President Trump. He was wearing a hat , like he always does. If you had lustrous hair, why would you do that? Why, if you were Slash, would always wear a massive top hat? Why does AC/DC’s Brian Johnson always wear a flat cap? It’s not just because he’s a northerner, is it?
- Have a combover hair cut. The late Terry Wogan had one of them, Donald Trump has the combover to end all combovers and legendary trade union ‘militant’ Arthur Scargill convinced no one by combing his remaining strands of hair across his bald head and then getting through a ton of high power hairspray.
- Buy a wig. That’s not a bad shout I was watching a video last night of generic popular beat combo outfit Def Leppard and at least two of their number, including elderly lead crooner Joe Elliott, appeared to be wearing hair that wasn’t originally theirs. The former MP Michael Fabricunt wore the worst and most obvious rug in the history of baldness.
- Be castrated. Apparently, this somewhat drastic action can prevent hair loss. I know that testicles can be a nuisance at times – why on Earth did God create them as they are? What an idiot – but appearances are everything, aren’t they? I’d rather be a slaphead.
- Have a hair transplant. This is a very popular form of action these days, not just among celebrities – when did you last see an actor with a bald patch? – but also among the male population in general. I know people in our village who have undergone hair repair actions and to be honest they seem to work. Should I consider one? Nah.
I suspect that we have somehow been persuaded that body image is everything. I know I have been. I am not just concerned about the possibility of further hair loss but my entire physical appearance. While I was never exactly a sculpted, muscular figure in my younger day, I fear that today a visit to the beach would result in Greenpeace arriving and throwing me back into the sea. Sadly, I can’t turn back time, as the popular singer Cher once wished she could, although it must be said that Cher herself has made greater efforts than most in order to reverse ageing, with, shall we say, mixed results. Much as I would prefer to me closer to a younger model of myself, I know it isn’t going to happen. So if I am not going to fret about the rest of me, my hair, or the increasing lack of it, is but a minor concern.
Rather than employ any of the options suggested above, I have decided to simply have my hair cut shorter, acknowledging reality at source. I am as vain as the next man and woman but I am also at the stage where the ravages of age probably look better, or less bad, than artificial attempts to prevent the inevitable. And if you think that old people shouldn’t actually look old, I think maybe you need to give your head a big wobble, always ensuring it doesn’t disturb your hair, real or unreal.
