A question that continues to trouble me is this: are there limits to our compassion and empathy? Put simply, can we run out of both or either? In the absence of professional advice I seek answers from the internet, a place we well know is not necessarily the ideal place to search for answers to anything, certainly not in terms of consistency nor definitive answers. Indeed, there is a temptation to find the answer(s) that we are looking for rather than the ones we actually need. In answer to the original question, here is Google’s AI ‘overview’:
‘Yes, compassion can have limits. While compassion is a powerful force, it’s influenced by factors like individual attention, the number of people involved, and the perceived similarity or difference between ourselves and those in need. Empathy, a key component of compassion, may be less sensitive to large numbers of victims or those from different groups. Additionally, compassion can be affected by fatigue, where prolonged exposure to suffering can lead to emotional weariness.’
That’s a lot to take in after getting up at a ridiculously early hour this morning because, and here comes another key factor, it does seem that my overactive ADHD brain, combined with the endless low mood of clinical depression, keeps me awake at night. During a year in which I have returned to the deep well of compassion and empathy on what feels like a near permanent basis it does feel like I am running out of something.
In terms of emotional energy, it’s all or nothing. I either go full throttle or I don’t go at all. Within five weeks or so, I lost my best friend and then, following a short and desperate illness, I lost another dear friend, one of the best people I have had the privilege to know. I am not trying to inflate my sense of goodness by saying that I am currently there for other friends who are going through their own traumas with serious illness. These days, I do not walk by on the other side of the road, but let me make it clear that it was not always like this. On the contrary, I have been so hideously inconsistent in dealing with the troubles of others, previous actions, and worse still inactions, still make me feel extremely embarrassed. But the fact I feel like I am close to hitting the wall when it comes to what levels of compassion and empathy I have left.
The two words at the end of the AI definition, ’emotional weariness’ definitely resonate. The bad news, as I see it, just keeps on coming. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it really does feel like it’s the light of an oncoming express. What comes next feels quite pathetic.
It really does feel like I am running out of emotional energy. I woke up at around 4.00 am today, drifted in and out of sleep with troubled dreams, before finally waking up fully at 5.00 am, insanely wide awake with only my racing thoughts and tinnitus to keep me company.
On the face of it, my life is pretty good. Physically, I rattle and creak as I slip into my dotage but I am still able to get from the A to the B I want to end up at. I can do pretty well what I want, and while I am not financially wealthy, I am the richest man in the world when it comes to family and friends. Mentally, I’m in food bank territory.
It’s a good time to bring up the food bank because even there, in my third full year of volunteering, I feel weary. Unexpectedly, I do not feel valued by the paid managers and admin team, in the same way as I was definitely not valued at the appalling British Red Cross nor by the dysfunctional brain injury charity and expensive befriending service Headway. There is some justification for my disillusionment at the food bank, which I won’t go into here, but in my heart I know I am doing The Right Thing by carrying on. Having been through a full-on mental breakdown at the hands of the abusers and bullies of the British Red Cross, is the same thing happening all over again, this time all in slow motion? I don’t think so.
Let’s go back to the original question: are there limits to our compassion and empathy? I rather think that there are, most likely limits set by who we are in terms of our mental and emotional capacity. One thing I fear is that there is no mechanism one could switch off, even temporarily, to avoid burn out and breakdown because the things that drive us, like compassion and empathy, come from somewhere deep in the psyche.
I’m not broken yet, not least because much of my perspective on life is largely still intact and that will continue to replenish my low stocks of compassion and empathy, but I know I need some ‘me’ time and in a few weeks, all being well, I will have it. Being kind can be tiring but I’ll take that. There are enough idiots around with zero compassion and empathy and I am in no hurry to join their number, whatever the cost.
