Complete Control

by Rick Johansen

I have been privileged to be asked to speak at a number of funerals in recent years. I am sure this has not been as a result of my dazzling oratory skills because although I am not exactly leaden-tongued, I would probably not get a job on the after dinner speaking circuit. I’ve been asked because I was either close to the deceased – my dad was one, a best friend was another – or because I was able to write something that resonated with the family of the deceased and I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. I am always confident in my ability to not make a complete mess of the speech or to break down in an emotional heap. It is the latter aspect that has got me to thinking.

I have developed a technique that I believe -I don’t know for sure – helps me get through it all and it’s very simple. Firstly, I have an idea of what I am going to say and I start writing the speech as close to the event as possible. In fact, I usually write the whole thing in one go and then merely tinker around the edges. I don’t know if this is a gift or a lazy way of writing speeches that actually aren’t any good, but that’s neither here nor there. The next bit is coming up with a strategy to get me through.

That involves me knowing exactly what I am going to say and then trying to anticipate how others will react to it. Essentially, to remove any sense of surprise at people’s reactions. If I catch someone’s eye and they are crying, then to expect it. Think about being called up to speak, what it will feel like and then going back to my seat. For me, it has worked, but at what cost?

I applied the same technique at my son’s wedding last year and it worked to a tee. In fact, it felt like I was the only one in the building who wasn’t blubbing and at no time did I anticipate this happening. But I got to thinking – in my case, over-thinking – whether I shouldn’t be suppressing my emotions quite so much.

I do cry from time to time and I could definitely foresee occasions when I might be tearful. I don’t know if it is all about control, in my case self-control, but with my sometimes fragile mental state I suspect I have become more hard-hearted in some areas in order to just live normally.

My clinical depression makes me feel terribly low at times, but it is not the same feeling as being sad about something. My depression doesn’t cause me to burst into tears at random moments. In fact, almost nothing does, until recently.

Don’t worry: if you have the misfortune to bump into me at any time, I am not going to melt into a blubbering heap. Yet there are so many things going on in and around my life, as well as in the grim wider world, I am struggling to keep up. And the proliferation of things both good and bad have left me flailing around, just about in control but prone to gentle bursts of emotion. So far, I have managed to keep them to myself – one of the few benefits of experience in poor mental health – and I cannot decide whether having just a little less control is actually A Good Thing. One thing I have become is a consummate actor who is perfectly able to feign wellness when inside I feel like a bag of shit.

Therein lies the dilemma. Do I let myself go and embrace the natural emotions, both good and bad, see how it goes and perhaps become the person I actually am, or do I carry on down the road of emotional suppression? The very fact I am even discussing the possibilities indicates that emotional suppression will win out.

My reality is that having less control over certain emotions played badly for me. My depression, accompanied by undiagnosed ADHD, were a grim, life-wrecking combination. The return of genuine, controlled emotion back into my life isn’t working because, frankly, I can’t live that way anymore.

So, I’m still available for speaking engagements at funerals, as well as for birthdays, weddings and bar mitzvahs because although I may be dull and uninspiring I usually make it through to the end. What a recommendation that would be.

 

You may also like