BREAKING NEWS: “Royals leave church after Christmas service”. Not exactly a big shock on Sky News this morning, since the last BREAKING NEWS story was “Royals arrive at church for Christmas service”. Well, being Christmas Day, it’s bound to be a slow news day, apart from in Ukraine where fascist monster Vladimir Putin has launched a festive murderous attack on “energy infrastructure” across the country. Nothing says Christmas like launching an extensive missile attack on a country you are illegally attacking. Maybe the Royal story is a blessing after all.
King Brian leads the firm out of the church and they cross the closed-off road to speak with a group of – and I don’t know how to say this without causing offence – more than slightly unhinged people, gurning and staring at people they don’t really know, frankly a care-in-the community moment. Brian and the lower royals walk to the crowd, with police officers armed security people close at hand, asking vital questions such as, “How long have you been waiting?” and “How far have you come?”
Prince William and Kate Middleton shake hands and exchange pleasantries, while Brian himself makes a point of chatting to a group of wheelchair bound royal fans asking questions such as, “How long have you been waiting?” and “How far have you come?” They love it. I don’t know why, but they do. Haven’t they got a home to go to?
Brian and his family are handed vast bouquets of flowers, which they immediately pass to their servants (is that what they are? I can’t think of a better word) and which end up, if I recall correctly, in local hospitals because nothing says being in hospital at Christmas like having flowers intended for someone else delivered to your ward. I can’t help thinking – and perhaps I should be less cynical on Christmas Day? – that I wish these “well-wishers” had instead used the flower money to give to good causes, like homelessness and people in food poverty. The royals, who are worth, at the very least, £23 billion and maybe a lot more than that, have to struggle by on a mere £86 million a year in social security benefits … sorry … the sovereign grant. Sky News, perhaps bored with the footage from the royals’ church, changes tack and it’s time for a speech by a frock-wearing Archbishop of York Stephen Cottrell who is soon to take over as God’s main vicar on Earth, the Archbishop of Canterbury. His speech is full of the usual rubbish.
“We need to walk the talk …the inadequacies of those who talk a good game, but whose words are never embodied in action …Put the needs of others first – those who are cold and hungry and homeless this Christmas. Those who are victims of abuse and exploitation by randy priests and bishops … but above all hate gays and don’t let them marry in your churches because God hates faggots.” I may have misheard the last bit – I am busy swaying along with some festive music, Radiohead’s King Of Limbs if you must know – but not by much. Whether it’s the royals or high-ups in the church, what is it about us that we are so quick to bow and doff our caps to people who are really no more important than every one of us?
BREAKING NEWS: the royals have left church and gone somewhere or other – in fact, anywhere that Prince Andrew isn’t: only his ex wife would want to be with him and she is – and the top vicars have gone to pray, or whatever it is that the top vicars do on Christmas Day. There’s no more breaking news until Brian’s 3.00 pm speech, recorded at least two weeks ago, where doubtless he will praise the heroes who work for the NHS, a service neither he nor his family choose to use. I wish the old boy well, as I do his daughter in law, Kate Middleton. Royal or pleb: no one deserves cancer. What a shame the God who apparently presides over us all seems oblivious to people’s pain and suffering. Maybe the new Archbishop of Canterbury will have more success in contacting Him than the last one did?
Christmas Dinner is nearly here for us as it will be for you. I’m thinking of you all, as I am thinking of those who have to work today, like the coppers and security detail outside King Brian’s church. Most of all, I am thinking of those whose Christmas, and pretty well every day, will be blighted by homelessness, food poverty, general insecurity and, of course, sickness.
Ignore my miserable cynicism and be kind. I am kind really. I just tend to let off steam on this blog. Even on Christmas Day. BREAKING NEWS: It’s time to go. Merry Christmas.
