Who’s going to settle down this afternoon with a piping hot cup of Earl Grey and some digestive biscuits to watch the Boat Race? I thought not. If you are anything like me, the answer is a big fat no. It ‘s so boring. The same teams get to the final every single year. Where’s the fun in that?
I didn’t even know it was Boat Race – or Boat Races – Day until this morning when I heard an “and finally” item on the radio news. I learn, too, that TV coverage will now be on Channel 4 and radio coverage on Rupert Murdoch’s Times Radio, which I refuse to listen to because it’s owned by Rupert Murdoch. Mind you, I always refused to listen to the Boat Race when it was on BBC radio so quite where it is broadcast from is of little interest. I have always wondered why it attracts such interest in the media and, to be fair, from millions of ordinary British folk.
I did watch the race as a child. I had no choice, really. I’d be at my grandparents every Saturday afternoon while my mum was at work and the TV was on all day, a tiny crackling black and white set tucked away in the corner of the room. The BBC had Grandstand as their prime sports show, ITV World Of Sport. The Beeb always showed the Boat Race.
My team was Oxford. I cannot really tell you why, other than I preferred their dark blue coloured outfits to Cambridge’s light blue and for reasons that are utterly beyond me I thought Oxford sounded like a better name than Cambridge, too. I don’t think it even occurred to me that the race was between two university teams, either. I seem to remember assuming it was an annual contest between Oxford and Cambridge. But I vividly recall being bored senseless as the race was taking place. The only bit I was interested in was when the boats went past Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham football club. When I say interested, I obviously mean not terribly interested.
Now that the River Thames is an open sewer, thanks in part to the privatisation of the water companies, I suppose there are other reasons to have a quick glance at the contest, perhaps just to see human waste floating past the boats as they dash towards the finishing line. I know that crew members are urged not to dive into the water at the end of the race for fear of catching some kind of intestinal complaint as a result. It’s not a nice thought, is it?
Channel 4 have, as they say, “really gone for it” this year, with a three hour show in order to show us barely half an hour’s rowing. There is a whole hour to kill from the beginning of their coverage before the Women’s Race begins. The Men’s Race starts an hour after the Women’s. What will the “experts” talk about? Presumably, we will get the opportunity to learn all about the participants (“Here’s Hugh Carruthers from Harrow. He’s looking forward to kissing the Oxford team’s cox at the end of the race” – say it as well as reading it for the full effect of the “joke”). My guess is will be the usual mix of highlights from previous races – I must admit, the sinkings were always my favourite bit, especially now there’s so much shit in the river – and expert analysis from former rowers I will not have heard of, unless they are Steven Redgrave or Matthew Pinsent. Hmm. Expert analysis on watching grass growing and paint drying would be just as interesting to me.
Anyway, if the Boat Race is your thing, I hope you enjoy it. If you fancy a bet, Cambridge are 1/8 favourites to win the Men’s Race and Oxford 4/9 to win the Women’s Race. Some odds in a two-horse (so to speak) race. I might put 50p on a dead heat (100/1 in both races). Then again, I might not and instead do something more interesting, which is basically anything. Either way, they’ll be dancing on the streets of Cambridge and Oxford tonight. Possibly. Let’s just hope no one dies of kidney failure because of all that sewage in the water.
