Truth, they say, is stranger than fiction and there is surely nothing more strange than this new portrait of King Brian (above). Deputy prime minister Oliver Dowden (who he?) said this: “The UK Government is providing a free portrait of His Majesty to public bodies across the country. Applications are open for eligible institutions – including schools, courts, police forces and fire and rescue services who can apply here.” Many public institutions displayed portraits of the dear old Queen (deceased) and the Cabinet Office said, “The offering of the new official portrait of King Brian will enable organisations across the UK to carry on that tradition.” Fantastic. Everyone at our food bank wants one.
In an act of world class brown-nosing, Dowden said this: “The accession of his majesty the king marked a new chapter in our national story. Displaying this new portrait will serve as a reminder to us all of the example set by our ultimate public servant and I hope as many eligible organisations as possible will wish to continue this proud British tradition and honour our king’s reign.” Brian is the ultimate public servant? In what way?
A greater public servant than a cancer surgeon, a fire-fighter, a police officer, a member of the armed forces, a food bank volunteer, like me? Especially me, damn it. It’s stretching things to describe the King as a servant. He has an hereditary job, her has no real power or influence on the nation; his prime duty is to rush around the country waving at and shaking hands with people. I could do that and I’m much cheaper. And how many servants refer to their people are subjects?
Still, we shouldn’t complain, I suppose, because the new portrait scheme is “government-funded“. At a time when public services are crumbling around our feet, Dowden is spending £8 million of government money – factoid alert: there is no such thing as government money; it’s public money, our money – on a portrait whereby we can “honour our king’s reign“, whatever that means. (Perhaps we can bow when we walk past on the way to the shitter, or better still on the way back, just in case things are getting urgent.)
Surely, if the powers-that-be want to display a new portrait of Brian, could he not be asked to pay for it himself? After all, he’s worth around £1.8 billion and inherited getting on for £700 million when his mum died. It would literally be loose change to him.
I’m still going to put in a bid for one to be sent to the Melchester food bank because it would be a useful reminder of the fucked up mess this country is in when millions of people can’t afford to eat but the taxpayer can afford to splash out £8 million on portraits of one of the richest blokes in the land.
This is the real portrait by the way. All £8 million of it.
