As our seas and waterways become open sewers, Wessex Water has some great advice. It’s basically keep your mouth shut while swimming in the sea. Not for the fat cats who are ripping us off by selling us the water we used to own is the option of cleaning up our waters. Basically, if you fancy a dip in the sea of shit, used condoms and tampons, keep your gob shut. As a fair weather, actually hot weather, swimmer I will be avoiding the sea like the plague because in health terms that’s what it will probably give you.
Oh, how we used to entertain ourselves with gory stories about how Johnny Foreigner used to swim around in shit while our waterways were spotlessly clean. I remember visiting Corfu Town in the mid 1980s and the Bay Of Garitsa was little more than an open sewer. Without going into very specific details, you could literally see what was causing the entire town to stink to high heaven. In August 1985, my friend and I were staying in a small house not far from the airport and the smell was overpowering. And because the weather was so hot, you couldn’t shut the bedroom window at night. During the day, you simply couldn’t escape it. It came as no surprise that I was regularly struck down with violent stomach disorders. But then I take a reality check and remember that actually we in the UK weren’t doing that well at all.
Around that time – I’m afraid I can’t remember the actual decade never mind the year – the Sunday Times ran a particularly gruesome story about sea pollution. One I can never forget is how they described nearby Clevedon which, at the time, had “a British record of five raw sewage outlets which all ended up in the Bristol Channel”. All the shit and rubbish from all the nearby towns went straight to sea. Whenever I saw people swimming at Clevedon or even Weston Super Mare I hoped they would take a long hot shower afterwards. Similarly, there were numerous fishers along the coast who would catch species like cod to take home to cook and eat. I would think to myself about what these fish might have been dining on before ending up on my plate. Then, I’d try to think about something else.
Ah, I hear you say. These are all anecdotes. Where are the facts? Okay, here goes then.
This is from the Environment Agency: “Between 2016 and 2021 water companies discharged sewage into waterways and the sea for a total of 9,427,355 hours, the equivalent of 1,076 years.” Ask Mr Google and he will take you to all manner of stories, many of which are reported by media all over the world. Yet again, we are the dirty man (and woman) of Europe.
In my own city of Bristol the council has an answer. For a mere £7 an hour, you can swim in the famous harbour, which of course has no pollution at all, apart from the usual shit, discharges from the vast boat populations and droppings from rats. I don’t actually know if there is a massive rat population but given how disgusting the water looks, it must be a very inviting place for our rodent population. I think I’ll save my £7 for something more enjoyable than catching Weil’s disease.
Just think, the water companies make all this money and the technology exists to make all our waterways much cleaner, so what do they do with it? Why, they pay their fat cat managers and shareholders first while we swim in shit.
When I say “while we swim in shit” I don’t mean me, I mean you. I didn’t swim in Corfu Town in 1985 and I won’t be swimming around the UK anytime soon. But if you can’t resist, simply follow clear advice: close your mouth. You never know what you might swallow.
