Do you mind if I write a small piece about the ‘D’ words, the ones you don’t always hear, replaced as they are by “passed away”, “passed on”, “gone to a better place”? The ‘D’ words are the ones like “death”, “died”, “dead”. The ‘D’ words are much harder to say, aren’t they?
I’ve noticed it for years in conversations with people and even avoided saying “dead” because it seems so final, which of course it is. When someone is broken at someone’s “passing”, I might not risk upsetting someone by referring to their loss, not that someone has died. People, very thoughtful, sensitive, kind people have said it to me. “Sorry to hear that your mum has passed away”. I thought it was such a sweet thing to say because until then I had always preferred the ‘D’ words. I’m not so sure now.
There are so many things to take into account with death. Who has died, how did they die, how old were they, were they in pain, how upset is the person left behind? Because of all these things and more, I realise it’s not a simple thing. Everyone feels death/passing away differently
Nicky Campbell recently conducted a radio phone-in on the subject and it was compelling listening. Death is not something we often talk about, something we’d rather not consider. We know it’s going to happen, but hopefully not for a long time yet. A woman called the show – I think she might have been a therapist or maybe just someone with great expertise in this area – and felt strongly that we should not be afraid of using the ‘D’ word because the ‘D’ was the reality that we would sometime have to address. The suggestion was that using another term would be to avoid the grim meaning of the end of life. Get it out in the open.
But meet someone who has been recently bereaved and you have no idea about the language they might choose to use. Would they be offended or distressed if you bluntly offered condolences for someone’s death, or would they find it less upsetting if you framed the words another way? I have the answer to this and the answer is that there is no answer, nor does there need to be.
Whichever way you put it, the end of life is exactly that. The form of words to describe it can be whatever you want them to be. Use your judgement. I can use my judgement better with friends and family, but less so with acquaintances, like Facebook “friends”, work colleagues or acquaintances. I play safe.
The most important thing, far more important than fretting about which term to use, is to not ignore someone’s loss in the mistaken belief that it might lessens someone’s pain. It doesn’t. Best get it put there because that’s what people would prefer. How you say it is less important, but if in doubt maybe don’t use the ‘D’ words, at least not yet.
