Tonight, I accidentally tuned in to BBC’s One Show. I am not sure quite what the purpose of the show is – a bit like Nationwide without the news, perhaps? (One for the kids, there.) – but on rare occasions it can be quite fun. And tonight it was a lot of fun because the main guest was 1970s pop idol Donny Osmond.
I’ve always had a soft spot for the Osmonds because, despite their adherence to a religion that is only mildly less bonkers than Scientology, they seem to be a normal bunch of “guys”, as rugby union players might say. They made some decent records too, not least the epic Crazy Horses, a powerful song about pollution, way ahead of its time, and Love Me For A Reason, with that reason being love, which I think just about makes some sense.
Donny’s appearance on the One Show, presented by a Welsh woman called Alex and a northern gentleman whose name escapes me, was excellent value. He seems a lovely bloke with an immaculate complexion and a full head of brown hair, which I suspect used to be someone else’s. And he is only a year or so from his 60th birthday.
Now there are probably a good few reasons that our Donny looks rather better than I do in late middle age. He is probably fitter than I am, he probably eats better than I do (even though I do my best, honest) and he doesn’t drink alcohol. I do not envy him his abstinence but I wouldn’t mind his skin. The lad can sing too and still belts out Puppy Love which, seeing that he is close to getting his bus pass, is some achievement.
Much of his family is still going strong, too. Three of his brothers were on the show, too, at least one of whom was Little Jimmy, who is still dining out on Long Haired Lover From Liverpool, and sounding very much like Liberace at his most camp. He too was likeable. They all were.
The only one missing, so far as I could tell, was sister Marie whose real name is, wonderfully, Olive Osmond. Can you imagine the Donny and Olive show, or Olive singing Paper Woses (she has a problem with her Rs!)? Olive is oil or she used to star in ITV’s On The Buses (another ones for the kids, there). Olive is not a glamorous singer.
Donny spoke to a fan by way of an old style telephone and the lucky caller appeared to be in advanced state of – how shall I put this? – female excitement, close to Meg Ryan’s condition in When Harry Met Sally, only for real. God alone knows what kind of state she will be in when she takes up Donny’s gift of backstage passes for the Birmingham show of his tour. He’d best watch out for that crown topper.
