There’s a great story in today’s Telegraph. This is the headline:
NEW: Russia is now claiming Britain is responsible for the terrorist attack in Moscow
OH MY GOD, I thought, entirely in CAPITALS. Is this the beginning of the end? Will I be spending the remaining moments of my life, quite possibly this weekend, trying to hide from a Russian nuclear attack on Britain? I’ve just been doing some research on the internet and it turns out that ‘Mad’ Vlad Putin is down to his last 5977 nuclear warheads. In all likelihood just the one would take out most of the country. Is this really how it all ends?
I am not entirely convinced that Russia itself completely believes that somehow Rishi Sunak was behind the attack on the Crocus City concert hall where some 139 people were murdered. Given the state of Britain today, I’m certainly not convinced that Sunak is capable of tying his shoes unassisted nor indeed buying a pair of trousers that don’t end just below his shins.
Putin has been unable to explain precisely why Britain, which has a mere 225 nuclear warheads – deep shame on us: that’s less than France – would launch an attack on a Moscow concert hall for no obvious reason, beyond blowing up a concert hall and murdering lots of innocent people, but I suspect that’s because we didn’t.
According to Russia it all happened like this. The attacks were planned by islamist ‘radicals’ and facilitated by Ukraine special forces, along with those from the USA and the UK. I’m assuming that means the SAS launched a recruitment drive somewhere around Iraq and Syria, I’d guess, perhaps setting up offices at which various islamist psychopaths would be assessed to carry out mass murder for no obvious reason. Tea and cakes would be provided. Yes, that sounds entirely feasible. I believe that’s what happened. Not.
The reality is a lot more boring. We have a government in Britain that can’t even fill pot holes in roads, that can’t enable its citizens to get a GP appointment and can barely get a train to run on time, if at all. And we are expected to believe that Rishi Sunak and Grant Shapps organised an attack on a Moscow concert hall. It’s such a ridiculous concept, I’m just surprised it hasn’t appeared in the Daily Mail yet.
Doubtless some people will believe it, though. The same people who think Donald Trump had the US presidential election stolen from him in 2020, who campaign against vaccinations, who think the world is secretly controlled by lizards; these are the very same people who will believe it was Britain what done it.
Alas, the truth is rather less interesting but still terrifying; that a bunch of islamist maniacs thought it a bit of a laugh to gun down 139 innocent people. Not a conspiracy, just a bit of mindless terrorism for the benefit of a religion founded upon pure fiction.
I think we’ll be safe for a bit longer yet before Putin presses the button. In any event, if he does, it will all be over in a few seconds. Have a good Wednesday, everyone. And don’t have nightmares.
