Back in the year of our lord, 1978, a Scottish singer called Andy Cameron enjoyed success with a song called Ally’s Tartan Army. It was released to coincide with the Scottish football team’s campaign to win the World Cup in Argentina. The outcome, went the hype, was never in doubt. How true that was. Cameron’s song went like this:
“We’re on the march with Ally’s armyWe’re going to the ArgentineAnd we’ll really shake them upWhen we win the world cup‘Cause Scotland are the greatest football team.”
Manager Ally MacLeod appeared to believe these words and that his plan was not just to win the World Cup, but to “retain it”. When he first met his Scotland team he said, “My name is Ally MacLeod and I am a winner.” Amid near hysterical scenes, a packed Hampden Park roared them on their journey to Argentina. “We’ll really shake them up when we win the world cup,” they sang. Many believed it, too.
In their group. Scotland were drawn alongside Peru (“old men”, said MacLeod), Iran “minnows”) and the Netherlands. Optimism reached fever pitch when the Scots took the lead against the “old men” of Peru, only for them to lose 3-1. A 1-1 draw against the “minnows” of Iran followed, whereupon they needed a miracle to qualify to the next stage which involved beating the Netherlands, and then some mathematical gymnastics. They did beat the Dutch but exited the tournament anyway. Maybe Scotland weren’t the greatest football team after all.
The absence of England, who Andy Cameron further noted in his song “didnae qualify” meant that many English folk supported the Scots. I was not one of them. I was still bitter by the fact we deservedly failed to qualify and, if I am being honest, very jealous of what was a very good Scotland team, which included the likes of Graeme Souness, Martin Buchan, Joe Jordan, Kenny Dalglish and John Robertson, plus the inevitable crap goalkeeper Alan Rough, had achieved.
Leaving the tournament at the group stage was a humiliation for above all the manager and his underachieving team and the football loving Scots nation. Never mind, I smirked quietly.
In 2024, a very different Scotland team made its way to the European Championships with, it appeared, some grounds for optimism. A settled side, a sprinkling of Premier League players, including a world class left back in Andy Robertson, opening their campaign against a misfiring home nation, Germany. What could possibly go wrong? It turned out everything.
The Scottish fans had, as ever, brightened the surroundings in which they found themselves, booze-fuelled of course, but friendly and not violent, and they sang songs of victory, including Andy Cameron’s 1978 fan favourite. But nearly to a man, they were useless, played off the park, hopelessly outclassed. The terraces were packed with fans in shock. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Just this week, we were told the Germans were sitting targets and a well-drilled, confident Scottish team could “get a result”. Well, they did get a result. They lost 5-1, spending most of the game with ten men as Ryan Porteous got himself sent off for an X Certificate foul. That was a hell of a lesson for Scotland, but it was one for England, too.
If the Scots had been optimistic, many England fans expect their team to just turn up and win. On paper, they say, this is the best England team for many a generation. If we do win, the manager should be publicly flogged, hung and quartered. It’s that simple. Isn’t it?
Of course it isn’t. We are a bad injury, dodgy VAR decision, mad sending off, horrible defensive blunder, missed open goal, failed penalty shoot out of not going all the way. We should reach the later stages of the tournament, we should beat Serbia, Denmark and Slovenia even though I’ll wager they’ll all park multiple buses for 90 minutes. We should win, on paper, but hang on, no game was ever won on paper. We took the piss out of the Scots but maybe we should learn from them. A little humility, a little respect. We should win because we are English just won’t cut it.
A scrappy 1-0 win with a goal of Harry Kane’s arse will do tomorrow, as it will against Denmark and Lithuania. Get into the winning habit, establish some rhythm and momentum and give it everything. And if we get a big wedge of luck, well, who knows?
