If you could have dinner with three people, dead or alive, who would you choose? The obvious and somewhat flippant answer would be with three people who are alive. But since the scenario of having dinner with any of one’s idols and heroes is only a dream in the first place, then why not set your imagination free and answer the question in the way in which it was intended? Purely hypothetical, the stuff of dreams. And that’s what I have tried to do here.
The first thing is that they’d have to come to my house for dinner because I hate going out to eat. Whether that is because I never once went out for anything to eat until I was late in my teens and even then the experiences were less than stellar, I don’t know, but going out for a meal pretty well anywhere is something I’d rather not do. So, my dinner guests would come to my house. These are my choices.
- CLIVE JAMES.
Clive James was why I started writing in the first place. Not because I ever met him, or even read some of his more weighty books. What he did was magical. When he wrote, you could hear him saying the words.
I first discovered him on a late night BBC satire programme called Up Sunday that ran between 1972 and 1973. Alongside the likes of James Cameron, John Wells, Willie Rushton and John Fortune, James appeared in what was essentially a review of the week, albeit a satiric view. It was an early preview of Have I Got News For you? but far edgier.
Clive James’ monologues were wonderful. I loved the way he wrapped his Aussie accent round the words and while the young teenage me probably didn’t quite catch all the nuances, he made me listen, made me laugh, taught me stuff.
He became the TV critic for The Observer and I soon realised that he spoke as he wrote. I bought the compilation books of his reviews, always fair, often very funny, without exception insightful. In short, I wanted to write like him.
He then appeared on TV in a series called ‘Postcards’, where he visited cities around the world, showed us the sights, interviewed local people. I still watch the shows on YouTube today.
His Sunday night Clive James on TV appealed to me less, as he moved into the world of trivia, but the magic was still there on his annual reviews of the year which went out on … surprise, surprise – New Year’s Eve.
I was at the lower intellectual level of his admirers and much of his work found me a little out of my depth. But that was the measure of the man. He was able to appeal to various different demographics. His five volumes of memoir represent classics of the genre.
2) BILLY CONNOLLY
Of course, The Big Yin has to be there. How could he not be? The greatest comedian of all time. A story teller sans pareil, as near to a complete human being as you could get.
I loved his stand up shows and was privileged to see him ‘live’ on two occasions. The sheer power of his oration was like nothing and no one else. He held an audience in the palm of his hand. And he was funny, always so funny.
He was a fine actor, his TV shows, especially the world tours, were brilliant, his books make essential reading and, quite frankly, how could you not want him at dinner with you?
3) MICHAEL PALIN
Always my favourite (Monty) Python, Palin turned out to be the best travel broadcaster of his generation. His Great Railway Journeys (Confessions of a train spotter) in 1980 could have been about me, I loved his Ripping Yarns shows and finally he toured the world, starting with the still magnificent Around The World 80 Days. Palin made it seem so easy to connect with people, even when he didn’t speak the same language as his interviewees.
Above all, he just seemed to be such a nice bloke who you would love to share a glass with.
There were some near misses. Christopher Hitchens was one of the great writers of the 20th and 21st century and was a high class debater and author. I adore his books God Is Not Great and The Missionary Position, which was all about Mother Teresa.
Stephen Fry was close, too, as was David Attenborough, but in the end I had my favourites.
My last dinner party will never happen, but it’s nice to dream.
Who would your choices be?
Clive James, Billy Connolly, Christopher Hitchens, Michael Palin
