“At this time of year, when exam results are announced, I often hear from dyslexic kids, or parents of dyslexic kids, who are struggling with their self-esteem. Unfortunately, schools and exams aren’t designed to spot, support, or empower dyslexic thinking skills, which can lead to kids feeling stressed and helpless.
“Using scientific terms, dyslexia is a genetic difference in an individual’s ability to learn and process information. In the real world, dyslexia is a different way of seeing the world, a different way of processing information, and an opportunity to come up with great ideas. My message to kids with dyslexia (or anyone unhappy with their results) today is this: Being different is your biggest asset, it will help you succeed. It’s your superpower.”
Not my words, but those of billionaire wanker Richard Branson. Because I would never, at least I hope I would never, write such generic bollocks, dressed up as advice. For dyslexia, insert – oh, let’s make this about me, again – a massively dysfunctional upbringing, severe clinical depression, ADHD, ARFID, anxiety, all topped off with an unhealthy amount of self-loathing. Yeah, my superpower, right?
Branson bombed at school, but at least he bombed at schools whose fees were well beyond the resources of the lumpen proletariat. I bombed at school, too, and worse still was given no sense of direction by anyone else to get through life. I am no fan of the crude expression about something like this boiling my piss – it sounds more like cystitis to me – but Branson is one of those people who could quite easily boil mine.
Branson says this: “Dyslexia is a different way of seeing the world, a different way of processing information, and an opportunity to come up with great ideas.” What? It’s an actual fucking learning disability. And it says here: “Characteristic features of dyslexia are difficulties in phonological awareness, verbal memory and verbal processing speed.” You can definitely see how in certain circumstances some people might be able to utilise their “different way of processing information” but in a country where it’s becoming next to impossible to get diagnosed for anything at all, maybe less so. A brief trawl of the internet reveals countless studies where it is shown that all manner of conditions, including dyslexia, are hugely damaging to a child’s life and the subsequent adult life of that child.
There’s been plenty of this “Don’t worry about how shit you did in your exams” stuff in the media this year, as there is every year and from the way you hear some people talk, you’d be forgiven for thinking failure was a success and actually it’s better to fail disastrously at school than succeed.
Now, as he approaches his dotage, old beardy doubles down on his superpower nonsense. Look, mate: no learning difficulty is a superpower. A superpower is what Superman has and – spoiler alert – he doesn’t exist. It’s entirely possible that like Branson, you can flunk your exams and succeed in life but it’s far more likely that failure won’t lead to success. It’s not how a broken and divided country works, not that he would notice on his private island which might as well display the moniker NO RIFF RAFF.
I leave you with Branson’s own words: “If you don’t have dyslexia, but you’re still unhappy with your exam results, just remember that your grades don’t define you, and there’s so much more to life beyond the school gates.” All you need to do is set up a vast media empire, start an airline and take filthy rich passengers into space. It’s that easy, according to the Bearded Wonder.
Meanwhile, I’m off to work at the food bank. If I had a superpower, I’d get read of the need for food banks, possibly by ensuring the very rich pay a bit more tax. What say you, Richard Branson?
