As summer turns to autumn – it happens on Tuesday, folks – I discover to my horror that a new radio station called Magic 100% Christmas has been launched. I shit you not. 24/7 coverage of Jona Lewie’s fucking cavalry which still hasn’t stopped and Noddy Holder reminding me that “it’s Christmas” when I already know that. The thing is that Magic 100% Christmas is yet another station owned by the ghastly Bauer behemoth who never knowingly play anything vaguely modern, or good for that matter.
Thanks to our old friend COVID-19, there’s a fair chance that we might not all make it to Christmas this year. Despite everything, I still want to be around, even if that means having to suffer Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine. Surprisingly, death is not preferable to some of Cliff’s very worst music, of which sadly there is quite a lot. But maybe this year, it will be easier to avoid much of this musical diarrhoea.
For one thing, we won’t be out much. Pubs will still be as empty as they are now, assuming there are any pubs left by then. Now I don’t feel good about this because whilst I’ll always walk a million miles to avoid Christmas music, the death of part of our culture is not a price worth paying. City centres won’t have the faux German Christmas Markets or the 50 Sheds of Shit that they have in Bath. It will be more of a case of avoiding certain radio stations.
Until BBC 6 Music came along, I listened to Radio Two, at least the bits that didn’t involve Steve Wright, Jeremy Vine, Zoe Ball and of course Steve Wright, in case I haven’t already mentioned him. That was always problematical as Christmas drew closer because I’d be drowning in crap Christmas music. Eventually, and I know this is almost blasphemous, I fell out with Kirsty MacColl and the Pogues and their Fairy Tale of New York. I mean, I’d always known the NYPD never had a choir but Christ, hearing it every hour on the hour when engaged in Xmas work for a well known supermarket almost drove me to the funny farm.
6 Music will have some Christmas music because the Daily Mail will lead a national campaign of death threats if they don’t. Those of us who have long tired of festive tunes will be attacked as being ‘woke’ or ‘politically correct’. It is, we shall be informed, your national duty to sing along with Elton John’s career low point ‘Step into Christmas’, copying his bizarre American accent at the same time. Not only that, we will soon be required by law to sing along with all Christmas songs, regardless of how shit they are. That’s nearly all of them.
I’m writing about Christmas which is a time and a place that feels miles away, but actually isn’t. And I am writing about yet another Bauer radio station for those who think there aren’t nearly enough radio stations playing old music already.
Doubtless, by New Year’s Day Bauer will be unveiling Magic 100% Summer 2021, a happy time when millions of us will be unemployed, firms will be going bust left, right and centre and we’ll still be reeling from Boris Fucking Johnson’s hard Brexit, whilst COVID-19 is still running wild.
Actually, thinking about it, I’ll go out and buy the Christmas booze tomorrow and spend the next four months getting shit-faced. If it means I’ll be far too incapacitated to listen to all that Christmas music for the next four months, it will be money well spent.