There could be very exciting times ahead for the Jobcentre staff in Woking as the Queen removes all Andrew Windsor’s titles, except the one called Prince. Given that he has no job and no income, and will probably have to spend his savings on a forthcoming court case, the paedophiles’ friend will need to sign on at the local Jobcentre and prove that he is actively seeking work. Trust me, the DWP takes this stuff very seriously and Mr Windsor will have to prove he is looking for work.

My suggestion is that he should approach the branch of Pizza Express to which he took his children the very night he was ALLEGED to be in the company of Virginia Roberts. His astonishing memory, at least in that instance, would surely impress any prospective employer.

While we are on about Mr Windsor’s visit to a Pizza Express establishment, aren’t you a little surprised the story didn’t get out before now? “You’ll never guess who came in the other night?” and so on. Perhaps, he came in disguise or arranged to visit the place when it was closed to the public?

Either way, this is more bad news for his mum, Queen Elizabeth II, whose platinum jubilee is coming up in June and the country will celebrate in traditional style by getting shit-faced, as is the law during a four day bank holiday. And, if I am being honest, I feel sorry for the old girl.

She lost her husband, Prince Philip, last year and her children, with the notable exception of the one no-one can remember – oh yes, Edward – continue to let her down. To be fair, Anne seems a good sort and her divorce with that bloke who rode horses is the only blot in her copybook. Charles, the future king for Christ’s sake, dragged the country through the mire with the tragic saga of Diana Spencer. Does anyone really think people will sing God Save The King about him with the same gusto they sing about Liz? I don’t think so. Then there’s Andrew.

Far be it for me to be critical but yer man seems to be as thick as mince. Why else would he have agreed to the car crash interview with Emily Maitlis? But then, why did he spend years hanging out with, among others, two predatory paedophiles? When he supposedly flew to America to end his friendship with one of them, Jeffrey Epstein, he stayed with him for four days. Four fucking days. How long does it take to say, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore. By the way, how’s Ghislaine?” Four seconds? What else can they have talked about? “How is the pretty young thing with the bare midriff?”

The Royal Family is in a lot of bother and you would like to think they all know it. When the Queen shuffles off her mortal coil, perhaps it will be time for the national debate about the firm. Do we want to have a sprawling, expensive and largely irrelevant group of lowly royals, effectively hangers-on, or would be prefer a more streamlined version? Now that my favourite royals, Harry and Meghan, have relocated elsewhere, maybe this is all happening by a kind of monarchist evolution anyway?

So farewell, Andrew Windsor. You’ll still live a life of luxury compared the lower orders and you won’t have to do anything to earn it, not that you really did in the first place. I think you’re a wrong ‘un and the coming year ahead will tell us just how much of a wrong ‘un you are.

As for the royal family, I’d pare them back a bit, tell them to get proper jobs and to be more like ordinary folk. I’ve put up with the monarchy because I quite admire the Queen and anyway she’s the only one to hold the top job in my whole life. Once she’s gone – and let’s hope that’s not for a while yet – the tourists are money argument can be discussed again.