Well, today I managed to do what I always moan about others doing. I shared a video of toilet roll panic in a supermarket and expressed my dismay at the behaviour of my fellow Brits. Wrong! Said ruck, where a woman attempted to buy up virtually all the toilet paper in supermarket, occurred in Australia. Chastened, I offer a full apology to my loyal reader. I’m an idiot. Nonetheless, panic carries on in the UK.

In our house, we do the bulk of our shopping on-line, using supermarkets only for top-up shops and when I have forgotten to order something on-line. Visiting our local Asda this morning, there were no violent clashes about toilet paper, but there was widespread panicking. At a guess, every third trolley included toilet paper and some trolleys were so full of toilet paper you literally couldn’t see who was pushing them. I’m afraid it was pitiful to the point of being very funny and I spent much of my brief visit laughing. There were no packs of paracetamol, no ibuprofen on the shelves and obviously no soap or hand gel. All this left me with some questions.

What on earth were people wiping their arses with before coronavirus? What were people using for pain killers? And, the worst thought of all, were these people not washing their hands at all before this virus came along? That’s me just piss-taking, really, because most of these panic-stricken shoppers are taking wholly unnecessary steps to prepare for when we are all confined to our homes.

If that happens, I am definitely going to panic my way down to the wine merchants Averys and buy a sufficient amount to see me through the coming weeks. We’re okay for toilet paper at the moment, but if the worst comes to the worst, a lady down the road reads the Daily Mail and, well, you know the rest.

It has occurred to me that people could be panicking for a good reason. No one trusts politicians and certainly no one in their right mind would trust Boris Johnson’s government in general and Boris Johnson in particular. If health secretary Matt ‘Lance Corporal Jones’ Hancock says “Don’t panic!” maybe it’s a good idea to panic after all.