“All immigrants are money-grabbing thieves who, simultaneously, want to steal our jobs and fiddle our benefits system.” This is a matter of fact, it is the truth. Filthy, dirty immigrants, here to rape your children, to look after you when you are sick, to pick the fruit you eat from your grocery stores…no, what am I saying? Immigrants are bad. They are, after all, foreign. The Mail and the Express and all the other xenophobic newspapers have done their best to convince me that I must hate foreign people. I may have to commence self-loathing.

None are worse, the Mail doesn’t say, but might as well, than young Aylan Kurdi, whose lifeless body was washed up on a Turkish beach. Well, maybe not Aylan, not totally anyway. He probably didn’t have much say in it. His parents, then. So ISIS are a bunch of psychopathic murderers with our morals nor principles – big deal. For all we know Aylan may have been an agent, radicalised. Yes, that’s it. That’s the line we’ll use tomorrow. Everyone of these wretched migrants (don’t call them refugees: people might feel sorry for them) is here for the money our money.

These bloody migrants are all young and fit men, aren’t they? Apart from the women and children, that is. Oh how awful that some of them have drowned. We must stop them leaving Syria, take their chance with charmers like Mohammed Emwali. So he’s has beheaded a few aid workers along with the way. I expect it’s all a big understanding. He’s been framed by the CIA. It’s all a big conspiracy.

Invading Cyprus, they are now. What’s next? They’ll be over here. Not that they had the slightest idea they were arriving in Cyprus, but hey – that’s no excuse. Why do these people want a better life anyway? Aren’t they happy with squalor? They’ll only build mosques everywhere and the next thing is we’ll be living under Sharia law. The Express said so and if you look on the internet, that’s the aim.

Bastard immigrants like my grandad, my dad, my mum. Working hard, paying their taxes. Ah, but they were all right. They spoke English, they were white. But if you want purity, send them all home. Exhume what’s left of my granddad’s ashes, send them back to Norway. Let the Norwegians deal with it. What? He worked into his late seventies, paying taxes, never going sick? You can say that, but he was taking someone else’s job, a pure Englishman. If only that Hitler had been around.

And you – that’s me. You’re 3/8ths English, that’s all. And you’ve got a stupid foreign name that no one can spell or pronounce. We don’t need people like you. Why don’t you emigrate? Your dad did. God, he was an immigrant too, in Canada. Bloody immigrants, working in the Prime Minister’s office, making the country better, paying taxes, volunteering to help people, entertaining them through his music. A Canadian could have done that.

Money-grabbing thieves, all of us. Taking the country to rack and ruin. The world’s being taken over by immigrants. Most of us are the sons and daughters and distant cousins of immigrants. Immigrants, immigrants, immigrants. Bad, bad, bad.

Also in the Daily Mail:

“Candid” peeping tom pictures of semi-famous women
Diet tips for women – you’re all too fat
The Labour Party gives you cancer
Women: you’re only good for two things and one of them’s cooking
That’s it