It is fair to say that I am not the world’s snappiest dresser. My dress sense, or rather the lack of it, varies between casual (when I am out and about) to downright scruffy when I am not. Smart dress is, I’m afraid, for some funerals (it will be condition of attendance of my own funeral that people must NOT wear so-called ‘smart’ clothing), weddings, court appearances and the occasional job interview. More than anything, I am strongly opposed to pointless clothing and the most pointless item of clothing is the necktie.

The history of neckties is as boring as the necktie itself, something to do with Croatian mercenaries in France during the thirty years war from 1618 to 1648 (thanks, Wikipedia). They wore these necktie type things and the French, always the most dedicated followers of fashion, became – how shall I put this? – aroused. The rest, as they say, is boring, boring history. And thanks to these bloody mercenaries from 500 years ago, you cannot be deemed to be smart unless you are wearing a necktie.

But I go back to the pointlessness of necktie wearing. I wear things – trainers, mostly – on my feet because it would make no sense not to. In fact, pretty well anything else I wear has a purpose. If I wear a hat, it will be because it’s either pissing with rain or I am protecting my head from excessive sunlight. But the necktie just hangs there.

I watched Boris Johnson’s embarrassing ‘freedom day’ press conference last night, embarrassing because the blonde-haired buffoon was having to speak about ‘freedom day’ from isolation, the ultimate irony and real life demonstration of this shit show government. And there he was on a big screen, hair deliberately messed-up wearing an ill-fitting suit and a tie. So were experts Sir Patrick Vallance and Jonathan Van Tam. And given the complete lack of content, I looked at what they were wearing, mainly those ties and thought, why?

Neckties are part of the uniform. If you get married, you wear a tie. If you go for a job interview, you wear a tie (I wore one for a Zoom job interview a few months ago). If you appear in court, you wear a tie. Neckties serve no useful purpose. Other than providing employment for necktie manufacturers, they are such a waste of time.

I appreciate that some people actually like wearing ties and being a freedom-loving person, I wish them all the happiness in the world to that end. But I hate them, rather like I hate wearing anything with buttons on so please let’s make it an equal norm so that people like me don’t have to wear them.