I’d love to know the real reason Boris Johnson and his clown car government have decided to inflict a 10 day quarantine on fully-jabbed people returning from France. Ostensibly, it’s because of the prevalence of of the ‘Beta’ Covid variant, which accounts for 3.4% of cases, a variant it has been suggested could escape our vaccines. Meanwhile, the UK has more cases than the EU put together and is third in the world league table of new cases, just behind Indonesia and Brazil. I am no conspiracy theorist, but am I right to have a conspiracy theory that Johnson is once again engaging in distraction tactics?

France is now, to all intents and purposes, on the ‘red’ list, although Johnson and co have not said so. Why would they not? If I had a holiday booked for France, I’d be in touch with my insurers because it’s entirely possible I might be travelling there without insurance, something I would never knowingly do. We know that management of Covid has been a miserable shit show by Johnson. In recent weeks, the messaging has been abysmal, in my view, deliberately so. Britain is in a mess, because of Covid, because of Brexit, because of the worst government and worst prime minister in living memory, a government and prime minister with no overriding vision or purpose. Keeping people on their toes, dazed and confused, watching a confected and non-existent ‘war on woke’ being conducted on behalf of no one and nothing. It’s all they have.

Anyway, France. I love France, having spent two weeks at the naturist hotbed of Cap D’Agde in the early 1980s, eating steak, which turned out to be grilled horse, and several pints of Panache, which turned out to be shandy. If I was scheduled for a long overdue to the land of snails, frogs legs, striped shirts and of course onions, I’d be pretty sick today because it’s just as likely that Johnson and co will have imposed the quarantine on France because they can as part of the post Brexit culture wars.

In the weeks and months ahead, I suggest it will be those pesky foreigners who will stopping us going to their countries, rather than us arsing around with them. For example, Bulgaria has reacted to us putting them on our green list by putting us on their red one, so if you have a twin centre holiday booked for this year – a week in Sofia and a week in Paris – you are well fucked. I know our late summer break in Croatia will be cancelled soon enough on the not unreasonable grounds that they don’t want virus levels like we’ve got and, the way we are going, I’m not exactly optimistic about next year, either.

If your holiday abroad this year, make sure you know who to blame. It’s Johnson, who delayed closing the borders to India because he was desperate for a post Brexit trade deal and allowed the Delta variant to sweep across the land. His Big Bang reopening will not only kill off holidays for this year, it will see us back under restrictions by the autumn. And whatever you do, don’t call him ‘Boris’. He’s not your friend.