Eclectic Blue

Looking forward

Comments Off on Looking forward 05 March 2018

One thing I bang on constantly about to my sons, and to my partner, is for them to be as good as they can be in their lives. To work out what it is they want to do and then to be the best person they can be at doing it. It’s working out reasonably well, so far as I can tell. I wish I had someone badgering me when I was young, impressionable and clueless about what I wanted to do with my life. Sadly, with me much nearer the end of life than the beginning, it’s safe to assume that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, although it’s definitely not a U2 album.

When I was at school, all I could think about doing was writing. I was so bad at everything else – and this is not me being self-deprecatory: the evidence is there – it was that or something else in the form of a dead end civil service job. I suppose the life of professional mediocrity was better than some drug-fuelled burn out somewhere along the way and I should be grateful for small mercies.

Nearly four years on with this blog and it’s safe to assume blogging won’t give me a living. I’ve read how you should specialise and concentrate in certain areas but I always wanted to stretch myself. For once, I followed my own instinct and it was the wrong one. I know I am prolific, possibly – probably – at the expense of being a better writer and I know I churn out a lot of stuff that is not great. My filter for good and bad disappeared eventually and I self-published the lot. I know in my heart of heart that in the end, my writing wasn’t, isn’t good enough, and it never will be.

Am I sad that I never made it? I’m not sure if sad is the right word. I think I did my best without any guidance or advice from pretty well anyone else and I also developed my style at a time when the printed word was dying on its arse and opportunities were disappearing. And yet whilst newspapers and magazine opportunities were in decline, the internet gave us the opportunity to write to the masses, if people wanted to read it. For all my disappointment in barely being a household name in my own household, I am very grateful to the near 150,000 hits I have had since Godjira set it up for me. (They are a wonderful company and I could not recommend them enough.)

Want some honesty? You got it. I really hoped my work for the Bristol Rovers match day magazine the Pirate might bring attention from I don’t know who. For a few months in a different decade, I wondered if my column about Rovers for the Bristol Post might take me somewhere but then, in an act of pure spite in close consultation with the football club, they had me removed. It was then, back in 2006, when I knew for sure a journalist’s life was not going to happen for me. I knew then the dream job had gone and, as an aside, I started to fall out of love with my football team. Two birds had died with one stone.

The motivation to write remains, the subjects, the focus, currently do not. The truth is that the dream died 12 years ago and it’s taken me that long to get over it. That’s been too long looking back and now for one last time it’s time for new challenges.

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