I was surprised to learn that the two men who today escaped from Pentonville prison used diamond cutters to break their cell bars before scaling down the side of the prison wall to get out. How, may I ask, did a couple of vicious jailbirds get their hands on diamond cutters whilst doing porridge in a prison?

I am guessing that security might not be all that secure in terms of getting things into the prison, which suggests things are not all that secure in terms of people getting out. I knew the level of security in getting into a prison – I did so on a number of occasions in a professional capacity in my previous job – and everywhere else I have been, such as airport security or attending a court room, you would struggle to smuggle through diamond cutters. And my god, the noise they must have made.

But the noise wasn’t a problem, apparently. Loud, thumping music usually reverberates through the prison, according to reports, so it might have drowned out the efforts of the prisoners as they cut through the bars. I mean: what?

My loyal reader will know that I am no hanger or flogger. As well as punishment, I believe prison should seek to rehabilitate the criminal so she or he can perform a useful function for society when released. I am not convinced that having loud music belting across the prison is quite what I was thinking about.

People smuggling stuff into prisons for prisoners is a serious problem, I keep hearing. How so? Is it really that difficult to operate a scaled-down version of what happens at airport security before criminals meet their family and friends? I am not talking about strip-searching or anything so extreme and I cannot imagine how one would smuggle in diamond cutting equipment in their back passages, although I suppose if you that desperate to escape you might try anything, no matter how awkward and unpleasant.

I jest and suppose I shouldn’t since the police have confirmed that the two escaped prisoners are “dangerous nutters” (I think that’s what the police said) who would not only sat boo to a goose, they’d rip its head off with their bare hands.

Seriously – let’s have a go at stopping things like diamond cutters being smuggled in for prisoners and pretty well everything else, actually. And music systems, too, unless that is the in-mates are forced to listen to the turgid offerings of Queen and Muse on an endless loop. Tell you what: having to listen to that stuff day in, day out would certainly encourage me to bide my time behind bars.