I had a brief glimpse of daytime TV yesterday and it wasn’t good. And it wasn’t any old daytime TV: it was ITV daytime television. It was not through choice I hasten to add. My barber has a TV on that burbles away quietly in the background and in trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror, something I always try to do, I found myself watching and thinking: do people really choose to watch this drivel?
The first show I saw was This Morning, presented by Dermot O’Leary and a blonde woman I did not know. There was a guest I didn’t recognise and, inevitably, a man cooking things, something you always seem to get these days when TV companies want to kill time. “And now over to Brian Generic who is going to cook something” followed by, “Mmm. That’s delicious. It’s time to go now so your carer can feed you. Goodbye.” Fucking hell.
Next, it was Loose Women hosted by someone described by a fellow customer in the barber shop as “Frank Lampard’s bird”. Frankly, I was none the wiser, although I was informed she was “well fit”. To be fair, the misogyny was only slightly less intellectually challenging than the actual show.
I am so out of touch with modern life that I wasn’t entirely sure who all the guests were until, of all people, Janet Street-Pawtah started speaking. She is described on wiki as a “broadcaster, journalist, writer, producer, and media personality”. I couldn’t actually come up with anything I have seen her write or produce, but she is definitely a media personality, if a highly irritating one. Another guest was the former England footballer Jill Scott who, at least to me, is most famous for telling a German player to “fuck off, you fucking prick”. She seemed amiable enough but I am not sure I learned much from the panel discussion around the subject, “Should conscription be re-introduced?” The viewers, I suspect, are from an age group that would undoubtedly say yes.
I must admit I zoned-out at that point. It occurred to me that the only people who would be watching this bizarre show would be very old and, as I implied earlier, living in care homes, or possibly both. I could hear Street-Pawtah’s voice projecting itself out of the tellybox, far more irritating than fingernails being scraped down a blackboard. Someone may have said something about how today’s feral youth would benefit from a year or two of being maimed and killed on the battlefield and any way it would sort out all this dreadful antisocial behaviour that blights every street in the land, allegedly.
Perhaps, to even things up a bit, ITV could trial a show called – how does this grab you? – Loose Men? A panel of minor celebrities, almost certainly presenters because people who present things these days seem to be far more famous and better paid than the actual talent (hello, Ant and Dec?), hosted by, let’s say Frank Lampard who does not appear to be on anyone’s payroll at the moment and for all I know could be regarded as a fit bloke. They could debate all manner of subjects over a brew of Yorkshire tea before all the viewers are again returned to their rooms for their afternoon naps. I think that could work. After all, if a peak time show like the One Show can be successful despite having Jermaine Fucking Jenas as a presenter, anything is possible. (“Hey Jermaine. You’re the worst football pundit on TV. Ever thought of hosting a crap show of your own?”) Oh wait, someone has already tried this idea. Somehow I missed it. Phew.
One glimpse of daytime TV was enough for me. I remain at a loss to understand how anyone of sound mind could tune in to such dross, says a bloke who was devastated when the BBC’s Eldorado was cancelled. See, I’ve nothing to shout about either. But then compared to This Morning and Loose Women, Eldorado was War and Peace. Almost. Anyway, let me get back to some Randall and Hopkird (Deceased) repeats. Now that was quality.
