I’m better than I was last week. How long it will last, I don’t know. I’ve done some stuff this weekend to challenge my social anxiety, including an unheard of ‘night out with work’. My sleep pattern is still a car crash on nightly repeat – I woke up this morning convinced I was suffering from worms and millions of them – and I know what’s going on in the lower half of my brain but on we go.
The lower half of my brain? WTF is that, you might reasonably ask? Well, although I don’t usually have voices in my head, I have always been able to ‘see’ my demons in a number of levels. For instance, when I feel okay, which has been for about a week, I can still see what’s happening in the ‘real world’ of my depression and anxiety. I mean, I can’t literally see it, as in through my eyes, but I can see it in my mind’s eye.
To be honest, putting myself out there has worn me out. This will make no sense to anyone who has a relatively normal brain function (whatever that is) and I am going to struggle to explain it. It has taken all my mental strength, which is actually not very much, to function to a decent level and by and large I made it. Last night, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was in the land of nod. Until those worms woke me up. And I swear that every time I tried to get back to sleep, those worms kept coming back.
At least the worms have replaced my ‘packing’ dreams. These dreams, which happen almost every night, see me desperately packing to go somewhere and never being able to find everything, often in a crowded room. Planes, trains and automobiles, I miss them all.
However, I digress. One day at a time and all that, I made it through the day. And it was good. Like yesterday was good, like the day before yesterday was good. Below the surface, it isn’t good. One little knock back can take me two steps backwards compared to today’s one step forwards. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?