The local elections are being discussed on BBC Radio Five Live and the local Tory in Mansfield is trying to explain that the elections are about local issues and not national issues. I’m afraid he’s simply wrong. He might think that it is about local issues but, as Loyd Grossman used to say, let’s look at the evidence.

It is true that council elections cannot solve Brexit (but then neither can national politics). It should all be about things like pot holes in the road, libraries and bin collections. There is a reason why council matters are now national matters: money.

Since 2010, we have had a Conservative government, in which for the first five years some Lib Dems were given jobs in order to keep them in office. That government, and the Tory/DUP government that has followed, slashed local funding to the bone. Services have been ravaged, social care in a state of crisis, as is just about every other aspect of local provision. If you vote Tory, you are also voting for Theresa May’s terrible government that has done so much to destroy local services.

If you vote Labour, you are voting for Jeremy Corbyn’s repulsive pro Brexit version of Labour. However you want to spin it in your mind, Corbyn’s spinners and controllers will cite Magic Grandpa as the reason for the party doing well. Do you really want that?

If you vote Lib Dem, your vote will be for a discredited and terminally damaged party, one that enabled David Cameron’s austerity heavy government and helped him pave the way for Brexit, the single most destructive act carried out by a peacetime government in living memory. The Lib Dems are more than a damaged brand; they are ruined. With no sincere apology for what they did from 2010, how can anyone vote for them? I can’t.

Aside from the Big Two + Lib Dems, what’s left? Perhaps a few well meaning independents or assorted fruitcakes from far right parties like Ukip. My advice for this week’s election? Spoil your ballot paper.

Your vote will mean literally nothing in Stoke Gifford where I live. Whether the Nasty Party (the Tories) or the other Nasty Party (Labour) win, nothing will change. Your vote will probably encourage them.

Our politics is completely broken and so is the country. When we need leaders with compassion and vision, we have clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right.

Vote but vote for no one. Instead, vote with the best picture of a penis you can draw. You know it makes sense.