Today was a good day. A Good Friday, in fact. The sun shone brightly, it was summer holiday warm. And it felt good. I am still struggling to move on from the last mental health meltdown which was an unbelievable two years ago. I am still struggling and I am working harder than ever.
Having become a relative hermit for some time, I’m going out a bit more. I declined to attend a reunion of colleagues from my DWP days because I just wasn’t up to it. But since not a single one of my ex colleagues who attended has been in touch with me in five years, and none asked why I wasn’t there, I know I made the right decision. Turns out most of them weren’t friends, they weren’t even acquaintances. They were just work colleagues. No bitterness from me. I’m moving on now.
I’m trying to relearn golf, my mid life crisis that slipped into disuse during my mental issues. This is a long road, too. Yet it’s a road worth taking. For every five or ten bad shots, I am now hitting one or two good shots. This may seem like nothing to you. To me, it’s the world.
I’m writing more, I’m reading more. I’m even exercising more so I can regain some level of fitness and I am continuing with the slow process of getting my weight down. (By the way, those who have been kind enough to point out that I have put on weight, which is always a spiteful, deliberately hurtful, sneering and superior comment from someone who wants to make you feel bad so they can feel better: fact.) But I am still depressed and I always will be.
Another thing is this: I am coming to the point where I need to write on a near full time basis. There’s clearly no one out there who will pay me for writing so maybe I shall have to consider writing for nothing on a permanent basis. I have two books to write this year, for fuck’s sake.
A few weeks ago, I thought change was coming to my life: it didn’t come. When I was at my very lowest point, I thought it never would. Most of me says it never will come but for now I have hope that maybe change will come after all, hopefully soon. The sun hasn’t set on this boy yet.