The big news at home – let’s forget all about Brexit and war with Iran for a moment – is apparently that some posh woman put her arm around the Queen today at Royal Ascot. Some posh woman put her arm around the Queen. Take her off to the tower.

I don’t make a fuss about it but I am naturally a republican. I find the idea of a royal family more than faintly ridiculous in this day and age. They have been reduced to being rushed around to shake hands with people, make small talk and that’s pretty well it. I don’t look up to any of them, although I like Prince William and I really, really like his brother Harry and Harry’s wife Meghan.

The royal boys are not ‘normal’ in the correct use of the word normal. They don’t work nine to five, they actually don’t work at all if the truth be known. They don’t queue for anything. The don’t struggle to pay the credit card each month. But apparently, we have to respect each and every one of them. And we certainly must not touch.

I have no obvious wish to touch HM anyway. For one thing, she’s not my type. The other is she’s already spoken for, by some Greek bloke. I am sure the last thing he wants, as he drives around the royal estate writing off Range Rovers, is competition. Especially when he’s not far short of 100.

In the unlikely event I meet the old girl in my local Asda, perhaps, or the Beaufort Arms, I shall try my best not to touch. Even if she tells me some ribald jokes, I shall refrain from leaning on her shoulder crying, “It’s the way you tell ’em, mam.” You can look but you better not touch.

There are, very sadly, people who get upset about this sort of thing. “OH MY GOD! SHE HAS ONLY GONE AND TOUCHED THE QUEEN! DOES SHE KNOW SHE SHOULDN’T DO THAT?” Don’t they have any sympathy with the woman whose horse just won the 2.45, or whatever it was?

It is not everyday one of our horses does the business when her maj is present. It’s a wonder she didn’t burst out into song, or uttered some fruity expletives. Prince Philip would have pissed himself, especially at his age.

My republicanism is a minor thing. I’m not going to do anything about it. It will be bad enough having Boris Johnson as PM soon, never mind, say, Nigel Farage or Ann Widdecombe as president.

Just a bit of advise. Leave Liz alone. Let her carry on queening, or whatever it is she does, and we can all get on with our lives and head to the nuclear bunker.