Can’t Stop The Music

I only wish I could

by Rick Johansen

One thing I am managing to do particularly well at the moment is avoiding Christmas music. Not all Christmas music, because that’s impossible, but I have a strategy that so far is paying dividends. Read on.

I am certainly avoiding all radio stations except BBC 6 Music, which to be honest is little different from normal. I do like to hear a decent selection of oldies during the day. Today, 6 Music has given me songs like Walls Come Tumbling Down by the Style Council, Be My Baby by The Ronettes, Rappers Delight by the Sugarhill Gang, Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere by Neil Young and Crazy Horse and Witness by Roots Manuva. Mixed with lots of new music, Nick Grimshaw, Craig Charles and Huw Stephens have entertained me royally. Some Christmas music, but so far none of the seriously overplayed songs.

The overplayed songs I refer to are the usual suspects. Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody, Wizzard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday (which I bought when it came out), Fairytale of New York by The Pogues feat Kirsty MacColl and, worst of all in my view, Stop The Fucking Cavalry by Jona Lewie. I cannot bear them. Christ – even though the great George Michael donated all his royalties to Band Aid, I’ve grown even more weary of Wham!’s Last Christmas.

On other stations, these Christmas dirges are everywhere. I know, because my car tells me. Due to a fuck up, I accidentally pressed FM on the display screen for the first time since I bought it and on came Heart Radio, the station where music goes to die. And sure enough, “AND HERE IT IS … MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY’S …” was on. The previous owner must have loved Heart or perhaps the radio got stuck on Heart and she had to get rid of the car? I know I would have.

Anyway, back to DAB and it’s a big hello to 6 Music. Luckily, I don’t think anyone had noticed Heart had been on, but something stupid has happened to the display. Today, MJ Lenderman’s excellent Joker Lips was on but a quick glance revealed that Feel by Robbie Williams was now on Heart. But I wasn’t listening to Heart. Why was it telling me this? I would no more listen to anything by Williams than shit on my hands and clap. It is music for the hard of thinking.

Then, it says Heart is playing Macca’s career cock-up Wonderful Christmastime, Elton’s shocker Step Into Christmas and finally the always wretched Do They Know It’s Focking Christmas? by Band Aid, the lowest musical point in Bob Geldof’s permanently piss poor music career (and that’s saying something). This stresses me out.

I suppose I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks of me at my age, but I am not sure if I could live with the embarrassment of being thought of as a Heart listener and enjoying the shit they play. Whatever my display screen says, I am not listening to Heart, honest.

As well as avoiding most radio stations, I also avoid supermarkets which play Christmas music. Tesco is a grim example, where you can – I know because I worked there one Christmas – listen to all those shit records on a continuous loop. Asda plays the music too and, regrettably because it is my supermarket of choice, Sainsbury’s has decided it hates me enough to inflict it on me.

Maybe it’s because I am a grinch, who doesn’t care much for Christmas, loathes Christmas markets, Christmas telly, Christmas decorations, Turkey and all the trimmings and, above all, the Christmas music.

One more week and the Christmas music will be over and I will spend at least some time trying to stop my car telling me, and worse than that other people, that I am listening to Heart. Better still, Christmas will be over, too. Anything that means I no longer have to listen to terrible music – well, I think it’s terrible – for the best part of another year.

Merry Christmas Everybody’s not having fun. Sorry, Noddy. You’re a great bloke and all that and you’ve done well out of that song, but can’t you retire it now? And maybe this will be the last Christmas we hear Last Christmas? I do hope so.

 

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