By George, it’s the Budget.

by Rick Johansen

We all know what’s coming tomorrow; it’s The Budget. And not only is it The Budget, it’s the last Budget before the General Election. And we all know what happens in these Budgets and what doesn’t.

I shall try my best to be as disparaging about all politicians and not just this shower – see, I couldn’t do it for long – but no government in the history of governments has presented an unpopular Budget before it faces re-election. And this government will be no different. Here’s an example of what will happen tomorrow. Chancellor Osborne will say his long term economic plan is working, even if we all know there is no long term plan. It’s the parrot-like repetition all Tories have been told to say, just like Labour politicians must refer to the ‘Cost of living crisis’, even though for an awful lot of people, there really is one.

We know that Osborne wants to pare back the state. All Tories do that, nothing new there. They want to make the public sector smaller and they know the electorate likes that, until it happens of course. He wants to cut back on waste, like all these wretched nurses and police officers for example, because private is good and public is bad, despite the complete lack of evidence and plenty to the contrary.

Tomorrow will be a broadly neutral budget. There will be handouts to those Osborne believes will vote for the Tories in May and there will be no tax rises at all. Despite running up more debt in five years than Labour did in 13 (and they had the worldwide financial crash to deal with, don’t forget), Osborne will paint a picture of a happy smiling country. He won’t mention that if, god forbid, he wins in May, the first three years of a Tory government will have us pining for the glory days of Thatcher.

The budget will have nothing to do with the country and everything to do with politics. Most budgets are like that, whichever party is in power, but with this lot, encouraged by the useful idiots of the Lib Dems, anything is possible.

The big decisions have been made but we won’t hear about them until May. Big government departments, even the normally immune MOD, will be ravaged by cuts and privatisation, the DWP suffering cuts of at least 30%, maybe much more. And the MOD cuts may even, this time, include its bulging civilian staff.

Tomorrow is nothing to do with us. It’s about Osborne, like it was about Brown, the only difference being that Brown, for all his failings, knew his subject and really did ‘save the world’ in 2008 when the US sub-prime market took the world economy to the brink.

It will be a penny off a pint, a boost for wealthy pensioners (they vote, you know) and the difficult stuff will be kicked into the long grass.

But Osborne will never get into Number 10 because he is going bald. And these days bald men rarely get make it to PM. Neil Kinnock, Michael Howard, William Hague and Michael Foot. They all failed and they’re all slap heads. Iain Duncan Smith didn’t even make it to the starting gate with the Tories. Cameron might survive this time because he has managed to consistently comb over his increasingly large bald patch, but he won’t be able to by 2020 and Osborne, despite the careful rearranging, will be in an even worse state.

Do you see the politics going on here? Most Budgets are nothing to do with the country’s economy and we don’t like bald politicians. Perhaps it’s time for a woman prime minister? Or Boris Johnson? Oh no…

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