Although it has been more than a decade since I retired from full-time work, and something like four years since I was sacked from part-time work by the dysfunctional brain injury charity Headway, for declining to wipe people’s arses supposedly as part of my role as an outreach worker, I have come across a potential new paid role that appeals to me. The Archbishop of Canterbury. Seriously (almost). Because, according to the BBC, ‘The public is being invited to suggest candidates for the next Archbishop of Canterbury following Justin Welby’s resignation.’ Why not me?
It comes with a pay package of £85,000 per annum, a free house, business class travel on all flights, free rail travel and a seat in the House of Lords for which I will be paid £361 per day, just for turning up. That all looks highly agreeable, so what exactly will I have to do? Here’s an AI description from the internet:
- Church leadership: Oversees the Church of England’s ministry and mission in the southern two-thirds of England
- Spiritual leadership: Leads the Anglican Communion, which includes 85 million Anglicans worldwide
- Public life: Speaks in the House of Lords, visits schools, and writes for the press
- Civic life: Leads debates on banking reform and expresses appreciation for the armed forces
- Crowning the monarch: Crowns the monarch
Well, that all seems straightforward enough, especially the monarch-crowning malarkey, and the things I don’t quite understand I can simply delegate to an army of bishops and vicars up and down the land. Plus, I get the chance to wear all manner of attractive frocks and silly hats, which I know will go against my gruff, manly, macho disposition, but still, it’s a small price to be paid. So, what are the drawbacks?
I suppose my atheism might be one of them, although I am sure there’s a compromise both sides – me and the Church of England, that is – could live with. I cannot disprove the existence of God any more than theists can prove it, although there is no evidence that a supernatural creator has ever existed. However, given that science has a long way to go before we know everything – and maybe we never will – my position could be described, though not by me, as agnostic, in that I cannot say for certain I am right. Maybe the bishops and I can come to a compromise?
Where there could be an issue is when it comes to child abuse. The outgoing Archbishop, Justin Welby, was somewhat shamed into resigning after it was revealed he had done little to prevent the serial sexual abuser John Smyth, who perpetrated brutal sexual, physical and mental abuse against more than 120 boys and young men since the late 1970s. A report into the scandal revealed said Mr Welby had “personal and moral responsibility” and that he “could and should have done more” in the case. After resigning, Justin made a farewell speech in the House of Lords, in which he made jokes. Let’s be fair to the old boy: who hasn’t made jokes after having to resign after not doing enough to prevent a known pervert carrying out “brutal sexual, physical and mental abuse against more than 120 boys and young men”? Don’t all raise your hands at the same time.
Anyway, I’m considering putting my name forward to the Crown Nominations Commission (CNC), the body charged with nominating the new archbishop before they meet in May, July and September to “pray, reflect and nominate a candidate”. How progressive would it be for the Church of England to appoint an avowed atheist as spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican Church?
I am not going to bash the bishop, as they say. But I will give my honest opinions when and if I am interviewed. My pro choice, pro LGBT rights views including equal marriage, pro equality in general, including and especially women and people of colour and basically all the things that make the Church an organisation I would not be comfortable in belonging to.
In other words, I am the change candidate, standing as both an atheist and a secularist and to take God, finally, into the 21st century where, I would say, He has no business being, given the advances in knowledge in general and science in particular.
If I get through the CNC process, it will be a formality from therein because my name will be submitted to Keir Starmer, a Labour prime minister, and I am a long-standing Labour member, and then to King Brian who we know has unorthodox views on religion.
In the coming days, I’ll announce my full manifesto, which will include closing all churches and associated church-owned buildings into social housing. It’s what God would have wanted. Vote for change, vote for Godlessness at the Church of England. Vote for me.
