I did not watch the National TV Awards (NTAs) last night. Award shows are what you are watching when you could either be doing something worthwhile with your life, or perhaps watching an original TV show. Anyway, well done to the winners who were voted for by the Great British Public.

What the awards show showed to me was just how out of touch I am with TV light entertainment in this country. Here is the list of winners and my comments:

Factual Entertainment Programme – Gogglebox

I have only seen brief excerpts of this show but it seems to be a show that is all about people watching telly. I am not sure why anyone would want to watch that, but plainly many people do and could even be bothered to vote for it.

Newcomer – Danny Walters (EastEnders)

I have no idea who Danny Walters is, or which character he plays. I no longer watch any soaps and my life is much better for it.

Serial Drama Performance – Lucy Fallon (Coronation Street)

I have no idea who Lucy Fallon is, or which character she plays. I no longer watch any soaps and my life is much better for it. The last time I watched it, Len Fairclough was a main character. Then he started swimming.

Drama Performance – Suranne Jones (Doctor Foster)

I am guessing this is yet another medical show which stars someone I have never heard of.

TV Presenter – Ant and Dec

I know who they are but I have never seen anything they have presented. Ant said this had been a “tough year” and it was a good job he was rich enough to go into rehab, unlike most of his viewers who could never afford to do so. (I don’t think he said the last bit.)

Daytime Programme – This Morning

I have no idea if this is a breakfast show or a mid morning show. Am guessing it might be the former? I haven’t watched breakfast TV since Frank Bough was on.

The Bruce Forsyth Entertainment Award – Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway

Another programme I have never seen. Brucie’s good, but he’s dead, isn’t he?

TV Judge – David Walliams (Britain’s Got Talent)

Best judge? For fuck’s sake: what sort of category is that? I’ve never seen Britain’s Got Talent but I have seen David Walliams. One must assume that he is a better judge than he is a comedian. It wouldn’t take much.

Impact Award – David Attenborough and the Blue Planet II team

Obviously, the Great British Public preferred Gogglebox but little old fashioned me stupidly believed that Blue Planet II was the best TV show ever, never mind ‘Impact’ winner.

Challenge Show – I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

Another one I have never seen. Am I missing something? (No.)

Drama – Doctor Foster

See above.

Crime Drama – Broadchurch

At last something I watched and loved, ruined only by the terrible west country accents. Oh, and the adverts.

Comedy – Peter Kay’s Car Share

Never seen it.

Talent Show – Strictly Come Dancing

Agree with this one but I only watch it when Karen Clifton is on.

Special Recognition Award – Paul O’Grady

Why?

Sorry to be such a misery guts but with one or two exceptional exceptions, the most popular TV appears to be dross. Or the best programme on telly. I am wondering about the preparation for Gogglebox: “What are we watching tonight? I know, let’s watch a programme where people watch people on telly.” And whilst I am in top moaning mode, what’s this Ant and Dec malarkey all about?

I understand they are a couple of Geordie lads who present programmes that star other people. How very 21st century. They appear to have no discernible talent other than to “present”. And the public loves them. “Oh, they’re so good. Just look at how they present programmes. No one has ever presented a TV show before. If there was an award for presenting, they’d win it every year!”

I’m sorry if I appear to be taking the piss too much because I actually am. Barring sport and Michael Portillo’s train trips, I watch almost nothing on telly. I don’t want to commit myself to watching a soap that is scheduled to run forever, especially if it is on more than once a week. I don’t want to watch D list celebrities eating Kangaroo testicles. I don’t want to watch anything that David Walliams appears in. And I hate awards shows.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and I’ll be you can’t wait for 2019 to vote again for Ant and Dec. I’ll be watching the football.